Sunday, 27 January 2013

AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK 5

Brothers. Sisters. 'Sort of feel tired now.
This one needs to get it's zzz on.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about travelling and shit.

This is me travelling and shit on en elephant.
'Not sure who the broad to my right is.

As you know - I am a bro. 
I am a bro who loves him some situations.
'Sort of feel like I've done too many situations and need some nap time now.

The hot springs. 
The White Temple. 
The Golden Triangle. 
The Lao's.
The border. 
The booze.
The Long Neck tribe.
The orchid farm (feat. butterflies).
The water rafting.
The ox car riding.
The elephant riding.
The booze.
The elephant variety show. (Think X-Factor, but with less sob stories and moar elephants.)
The booze.

The Elephant Show. There's lots of win here. You've got 2 with
holahoops, 2 standing with holahoops, and 2 with harmonicas.

'Sort of feel tired now.

So today I'm hibernating. 
'Working from home'.
Tmw, I leave the confident security of the hotel and head into 'the shit'. 

I've signed up for a trek. 
Basically, you buddy up with a bunch of brothers and sisters and a guide bro and head off the grid for a few days.
I leave 9am tmw morning. Well up for.
'Sounds a little like a Walkabout. (re: Paul Hogan as Crocodile Dundee but hopefully less career destroying.)

'Seems like everyone here's trying to find the most authentically authentic Thailand experience that ______฿ can buy. It also seems like everyone's chasing each other around from situation to situation looking for 'the real shit' or 'stuff that's not touristy' or 'stuff that's not fucking gay'.

Maybe on the trek I will finally, finally find myself
Maybe I will finally be able to look at The Man in the Mirror, and Make That Change, and finally come to terms with The Way That You Make Me Feel.
Maybe it will be a Thriller.
(Those were Michael Jackson songs.)

A member of the Long Neck tribe keeping it casual.

Anyways, it's kind of weird here.

The Thai's have a real casual attitude to health and safety and all that noise. 
They whiz from A to B on their little mopeds and hope for the best.
No helmets.
No road tax. (This one thinks.)
They just jump on their little mopeds and do what they have to do.

Some moped bros 'sticking it to The Man'.

It's not that they don't value their lives; I think it's that we - The White Roundeye Devil. The Honky - value ours too much.

In England we're especially guilty. We're all brought up to be our parent's unique and special little snowflake.

We are number one son.
We are a perfect daughter.
I think this is why so many people have potentially fatal unrealistic expectations about life and chronic unwarranted self-importance.
"We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't." (re: the Fighting Club.)
True story.

Over here - they just get on with it.
They keep it casual.

A member of the Cat Face tribe keeping it casual.

'Sort of admire them for that.

Anyways, gtg. I met a pair of bros and we've been totally shutting down this pool table in the backpackers quarter. 'Generating lots of street credibility.
Lots of respect.
#respect.

We 'utterly humiliated' a bunch of Europeans :) happyface.
But then we got our ass handed to us by this Thai broad :( sadface.


WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?

  • Chiang Mai has more tiedye per square mile than any other place on Earth [citation needed].
  • Thai women hate to lose >:( angryface.
  • 'Still not sure about 'Thai Massages'? If anyone knows whether it's a pretence for sex, please let this one know because it has a sore shoulder and kind of needs it fixed but kind of doesn't want to 'get fucked'.
  • There's lots of jelly belly, alabaster skinned Brits here who walk around topless. 'Feels bad, man.
  • You can't wear vests, shorts, or short skirts into temples. If you're going on a Wat missions then dress appropriately.
  • I had a Big Mac here and it was a thing of beauty. Almost - almost - looked like the photo. #tasteofhome #hashtag.
  • I don't think they 'get' Westerner food. Don't - don't - order fish and chips. You will be disappoint.
  • Malaria tablets give you a dicky tummy.
  • That is all.



Friday, 25 January 2013

LITTLE LOL: PROSTITUTION

Brothers. Sisters. 'Not sure how I feel about prostitution.
'Not sure if this one 'gets' it.
Why would I pay a sister to make it feel good (re: touching the willy)?

'Same with the lapdance.
The strip club.
'Not sure if it's my 'scene'.
It's not my scene.

Why? Am I missing something?

Sort of feel liek a bro.
Sort of feel like our attraction should be mutual (re: a poem shared between lovers). 
If not - then, sister - what's your situation?
Who's paying who?
#confused.

I think this one would rather not pay 'for sex'.
My usual MO goes like this:
"Do you like kittens?" I say.
"Yes. (re: Thai for yes ((in this situation.))"
"Okay. Kewl," I say. "Well this one has a kitten."
"Okay. 500 Bhat."
"Sister," I reply. "Maybe something got lost in translation." (re: the major motion picture, Lost in Translation).

'Not sure if I 'get' it.
The prostitution, I means.

Maybe we could bond over music.
"What's your favourite band?"
Maybe we could bond over films and multimedia.
"What's your favourite film? Wes Anderson? Kewl."
Maybe a video game.
But - shit - any penis and vagina combination can enjoy sex. What about feelings and stuff?

I've seen the major motion picture Show Girls. Being a whore in that seemed pretty lulzy. ('Not seen Striptease, but I think it had pretty much the same message.)
IRL, not so much.

'Not sure if I 'get' it.

The prostitution, I means.

LITTLE LOL: DEXTER'S WIFE (IN DEXTER)

Just working my way through the major American television drama series, Dexter atm. 

Season 1 was pretty legit. We establish that Dexter is a bro. 
He's a serial killer - but omg - he's a forensic man, too?! 
But they normally catch serial killers not be them. 
Fuck. What a juxtaposition / conflict of interest.

Season 2 was much the same. 

Season 3 not so much. Dexter's Mrs, Rita, really starts to stink the situation up.

Season 4 I ask myself, "Why is she in the show?"
This is a major American television drama series, which we just established is about a serial killer - but omg - he's a forensic man, too.
Maybe it's to show a 'human' and 'relatable' side to Dexter's character? 
But then he has his sister for that.
Maybe he should buy a puppy?

All Rita does is bitch and moan. Just let a bro do what he has to do. That's what I 'tune in' for (re: internet piracy).
Not an hour of;
"No, Dexter."
"We need to talk, Dexter."
"Family comes first. The kids!"
"No, Dexter."

"No, Dexter."
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"No, Dexter."
"Family comes first. The kids!"
"No, Dexter."
"No, Dexter."
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"We need to talk, Dexter." 
"We need to talk, Dexter." 

Sort of feel that she needs to die now. Nothing too brutal (re: THE KIDS!!!1) but definitely a permanent and irreversible death (re: no flashbacks, no 'going on a break / an emotional reunion', and no ghost chitchats).


Maybe John Lithgow will come through (re: Trinity Murderer targets a woman with 2 kids to start the cycle. Sort of remember Rita has kids)?

Do it, John. Kill her dead.
Do it for Adam.

This one hopes so.
This one hopes so.


Wednesday, 23 January 2013

AN ENGLISHMAN IN BANGKOK 4

Sort of feel bad for the Long Neck tribe.
Feel like their life is like living in the circus - like the major pop juggernaut by Britney Spears - Circus.

Come. See the Long Neck tribe.
See it's curious ways.
Feel the feel of it's neck rings (via making the long neck).
Look into its eyes. It sees you. But does yous sees it?

It's a human zoo.
Sort of feel bad for the Long Neck tribe.


This broad is a member of the Long Neck tribe.
You can tell because she has a long neck.

So I signs up for one of these package tour things. 
My ex would hate it. 
Disturbing the balance of the native, honest, traditionally native folk.
Point and click the camera. "Did you get a good shot? Post that shit to Facebawks."
Are their traditional values being exploited?
Exploitation.
Situations.

But realistically - who's taking advantage of who?
I mean we paid good money to be here. She just sits there with a long neck and shit.

'Do something, you long necked bitch.'
'It does what it does.'

Today, I've squeezed in a lot of situations. None of these situations feel very legit though.

Like much of the stuff here - it's a tourist trap.
You see the same poor fuckers attempting to shift the same situations.
Over and over and over and over again.
Jade elephants.
Jade Buddhas.
Jade turtles.
(It's a wonder this country has any jade left.)
Fake silver bracelets.
Dried flowers. Dried flower garlands.
100% cotton T's with iconic Thai imagery.
Wooden frogs, which croak as you tickle them.
Wooden snakes, which oscillate as you pull them.
(It's a wonder this country has any pride left.)

Feels to this one like it's sort of whoring itself out (via Apocalypse Now).

So today, I've squeezed in a lot of situations. The hot springs. The White Temple. The Golden Triangle. The border. The Long Neck tribe.

All in all - it's been a pretty sweet day.
But sort of feel bad for the Long Neck tribe.

A hot spring.
That is all.

Feel like the 'hot spring' is acually a heated pool of water with a pump underneath. (In fact, I know it is. I saw the plumbing. I used to work in an aquarium so I know smoke and mirrors when I see it. Sorry. This blog is honest.)


The White Temple.

^ is probably the tackiest, most nasty thing I've ever seen.
Think some broad outside a club at 3am.
Think Gaga or Katy or Ke$ha has a 'challenging' new bra.
Some whitewashed, plaster cast and split mirror monolith - which bleeds out from the ground like a sparkly STD.
Inside it had, like, frescos of Batman and Angry Birds. I shit you not.


Whisky distilled through the corpse of a King Cobra.
I also drank some tiger penis concoction. Casual.

In Lao's, they offer you whisky distilled (via various animal carcasses). 
The snake.
The turtle.
The tiger.
The armadillo.
The whole gang's here.
Mostly my tour was full of 'gay fags' who wouldn't touch any of the exotic alcoholols. I sampled all those situations. As I do so, my eyes meet with this beautiful sister from Japan. She sports one of those long, flowing oriental robes. 
This Italian bro on the tour with us says that I have the yellow fever
I don't say that he has the shit taste in the music. I can hear it leak through his headphones. Think stereotypical Euro pop with the boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss boom tsss.


The village where the Long Neck live. Personally, I think that
it's all for show and they live in regular houses miles away.

Anyways - later I feed some sick kitten some food which this one robbed from the buffet. This cements the bond that this Japanese woman and this one share. 'Turns out that sister's coming to study in the UK later this year to do some masters degree in law or something.
O rly?
Very nice indeed.


The little bro who opened a hundred doors.

WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?
  • Does anyone know why Google Chrome and Google search have different spell check algorithms? Seems like they should be the same.
  • The Long Neck necklace things are heavy. At least 2kg.
  • Broads love kittens. Marc, we were right.
  • Whisky with dead animals and stuff tastes pretty much the same as without dead animals and stuff.
  • Package tours are a great 'foot in the door' but also pretty fail.
  • Originally, the Long Neck broads wore the necklaces to protect them from tiger bites. Now, it's mostly for teh lols.
  • It's almost rude not to drink booze from the hotel mini bar. A big bottle of beer costs £1.60ish. Win.
  • That is all.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

LITTLE LOL: THAILAND'S TRAINS

I don't know what Thai is for 'sexy bitch' but Kooky is a sexy bitch. 

Today's Little Lol is brought to you (via Thailand's trains).


Bangkok's main train station. I feel like it should be bigger.
Liek Victoria or something. 

I meet Kooky on the train from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. Kooky looks like some anime cartoon came to life and learned how to use eye liner. She has short bangs which flank her face to either side. Kooky isn't her real name, of course. She has one of those half-assed, 'sort-of-in-the-right-ballpark' names, which Asians seem to adopt around Westerners.
In addition to being hawt, she also hooks this one up some work for my return to Bangkok. 
Basically, I teach 'the kids' English and shit and peel away the many layers of mystery and mistrust which cling to the 'white devil' - and in return I get to tag along with them on tours and activities. 
Seems legit.

Anyways - Thailand's Trains.
They're kind of a fucking lollercoaster.
Maybe they are the living embodiment of a lollercoaster?
It's amateur night.

In England we have a hissy fit if a train is delayed by 5mins. (I know this. I have been that guy.) 
My train was delayed by 1hour +. "We're making good time today," she says.
Sister, I don't think we are. Not at all.

You have to book the train in advance.
You cannot 'turn up on the day and hope for the best'.
If you do, you will be walking. Or worse - stuck in Bangkok. 
Oh noes.

Oh, and the journey took like 13 hours. Disgusting. 
The staff offer you food like they're testing Mars for signs of life.
Will these parameters be acceptable?
Is the test subject still responsive?
Is he actually eating that slop?

I don't even know what munch they served up. Think a stale Pot Noodle with a fig roll crushed over the top.

This one doesn't recommend it.

Anyways, tying my flag to the mast of this language school thing seems like a good idea. They have 1 tutor to 15 kids and I absolutely tower above them (via being a strong white male. Like Fred Durst).

Goodnight, the internet. I love you. <3 heart symbol.

* 'Sexy bitch' in Thai is ตัวเมียเซ็กซี่. 'Not sure how to pronounce that. Shame. Real shame.

LITTLE LOL: NIVEA WHITENING CREAM (FOR MEN)


Hullo, the internet. My names Adam and today I'd like to introduce you to an exciting new feature of iamawaitingyourereading - the Little Lol

Little Lol is a small fun-sized post where:

A) I can't be bothered to write a longer one. 
Or
B) I can't be bothered to write a longer one.

Today's Little Lol is brought to you by Nivea Whitening Cream (For Men)


This is a legitimate product.
It's marketed towards Asian men. ('Not sure why women don't get to play.)
Tbh, I'm a little wtf. As a strong Caucasian man with a thunderous Caucasian penis this makes me feel a bit weird. Isn't this racist?

While we're being racist - why don't they just call it Anti-Chinky Cream (For Yellow Men)Aren't Asians supposed to be good at computers and stuff? Can't they just Photoshop themselves whiter?

Here's one I made with no formal training.

Would you change colour?
If 'yes' - which colour?
If 'no' - why?
Should everyone just be 'happy the way they are' (unless they're ugly or fat or a gurl with small bewbs)?

Tough questions. Tough questions.

Remember you can't spell 'Caucasian' without 'Asian'.
Maybe we're moar similar than we think.
Interesting.


AN ENGLISH MAN IN BANGKOK 3

"What time's breakfast?" I ask the woman on the front desk.
     "February."

Y'know how when you travel - you don't have to learn the native lingo because 'everybody speaks English'?  Well that doesn't work so well.

Hullo, the internet. My name's Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about travelling and shit.

I am a bro. 
I am a bro who wonders why the Chiang Mai Night Market is at night. I mean, idk, it opens at 6pm and closes at 11pm. 'Seems like silly opening hours to me.

But then - I'm a stranger in a strange land.
I am a bro.

The heat and humidity hit you like some viscous wall. 
Like a hot towel draped across your body. 
Your brow becomes slick with beads of sweat. 
Your penis becomes flaccid. ('Not sure what happens to vaginas.)
You can taste the humidity. Feel it on your skin. 
During the day - it's too hot to think. Too hot to barter. This is why the Chiang Mai Night Market is at night. 


(Normally I'd have a photo of the Night Market here
with a lulzy caption. The internets' aren't great in this hotel so I can't upload stuff :( sadface.)


But I'm getting ahead of myself. 
I should probably start at the beginning.
I guess in a roundabout kind of way that this holiday situation is a 'business trip'. (I mean, I wasn't planning to do a lot of business - much like 'working from home' - but it's actually been fantastic from a business pov.) I've found some superb suppliers for when I return to England.

For those of you who don't know me (massive shout out ((type out?)) to my brothers and sisters reading from the US. Did you know that most of this blog's traffic comes from the US? This blog is international) I'm self employed and sell personalised wooden gifts. I engrave pictures and names onto these wooden gifts (via pyrography via superhugedino).

When asked, on administrative pieces of paper and shit, what my profession is - I write 'craftworker'. 

I could write 'artist' but I don't want to be a dick about it. 

Anyways, in addition to my wooden dreams, I also sell little odds and sods from India. I've found some excellent stuff over here. It's all Fair Trade from local fuckers and legit. 


(Think photograph of little handmade elephants, squat teddy bears
made out of recycled fabric, and other authentic objets d'art. Real Bon Marché.)


There's also a UPS in the Night Market, so it's completely viable to buy a load of crap and then send it back to wherever home is. (Example: 10kg is about £40 and takes 2 weeks. Fully insured. With tracking number. They also offer airmail, but the price rises sharply. Don't thank me - I just want to help. This blog is helpful. To help is its own reward <3 heart symbol.)

Moar importantly I found an awesome bar in the middle of the Night Market

Lured in by honky-tonk covers of classic rock, I find possibly the honkiest bar in all of Chiang Mai. So many white people; packpackers keeping it casual, cool dads bobbing their heads to the kick beat, and women on the wrong side of 40 laughing too loud. Give it up, sister. Your flower has wilted. Shhh now. 

It's an open jam night run by this Thai bro called BoiBoi looks like Hendrix circa Electric Ladyland but minus the afro. Boi has a mess of curly black hair and a smile which shines like the sun. Boi is a ferocious guitarist and introduces me to the local Chang brand beer. 
Boi loves music, situations, and lols. 
Boi absolutely loves it.

Also playing is some Australian bro called Moon Dog. (His name is Moon Dog, he plays a song called Moon Dog, and wears a T shirt with a silhouette of a moon and a dog. Such a strong personal brand.)

Also playing is some American guy who fucking sucks.

I meet a bro called Ollie from Cambridge who's on a mission to save the world. 
He must save the children. 
He must save the impoverished masses. 
He must save the world. I dated a woman once who loved all that noise, so I can sort of chat shop with him. 

  • We must all put our weapons down and form One Nation. 
  • If a bro has a gun in one hand and a hand grenade in the other hand, then that bro cannot shake hands with another bro :( sadface.
  • Make a change. 
  • Be the change. 
  • JUSTICE!!!1 

(You get the idea.)

I meet a sister called Noah who works between London and Bangkok. Like me, she is a 30 year old child. Like me, she doesn't much care for Bangkok.

Noah looks like Tia Carrere circa Waynes World. She's a Thai native but speaks with a thick London accent. Go figure. She points me in the direction of some lively hostels just by the City Gate. Atm, I've mostly stayed in snoozefest, zzz, boring hotels. I need to mix it up. Like The Boss, I need a little of that human touch.

I am a bro.
I am a bro who loves me some of that honky-tonk classic rock.


WHAT HAVE WE LERNED?

  • I think that I misjudged Tuk Tuk drivers. I've taken a couple now (via the hotel to the city) and they've both been legit.
  • Chang brand beer gives you a wicked, nasty hangover.
  • Ollie says this is because they don't regulate the booze content. Win.
  • A regular hotel double room (think Premier Inn) costs about £12.
  • Chiang Mai is lovely. Lots less cluttered than Bangkok.
  • White people love hanging out with other white people. Like farm animals left in an open field - we group together. For safety. For lols. Forever.
  • My 'travellers beard' is coming on nicely. 'Feel bohemian.
  • When in a cab or Tuk Tuk - look about for landmarks to find your way back on foot. Shops and billboards and statues and stuff.
  • That is all.