Monday, 31 December 2012

2012 SITUATIONS

2012. You were the chosen one. The year the Mayan calender foretold serious business and the end of the world. The skies would darken. The rivers would run dry. Dog photos would appear on the internet.

I don't host dog photos on this site.
Here is a photo of my cat.

As I look back over the year, my penis is partially erect and partially flaccid. It's mostly erect. But what has 'made' the year? What have been the best and worst bits of the year?

Come. Take my hand, friend. Let's find out.


iamawaitingyourereading SEMI-PROUDLY PRESENTS
#BEST AND #WORST THINGS OF 2012


# BEST_IN_LOLS: 'I Can Count to Potato' Meme Goes Viral (Again)
Where to draw the line drawn in the pursuit of nutritious lols?


'Silly thing is that this situation was all done and dusted. The internet hate machine had already processed this content back in 2008 / 2009. It was satisfied. It slumbered. And then in 2012, around we go again. Long story short, her mum found out that her daughter's image was being used in the meme and went to the newspapers with the story. Internet scholars are unsure about what she was hoping to achieve. To 'delete' the pictures from the internet? To get great justice against 'the internet trollers / cyber bullies'? Anyways, the story shone the light of day into the darker corners of the internet and it disturbed the beast. The beast woke up.
     'Yes,' the internet hate machine says. 'I remember that. It was funny. Let us do it again.'

(See Streisand Effect for moar info.)

It split our entire species down the middle. Bro turned on bro. Families were divided. News Feeds were blocked.

Here is a flow chart I made to explain this situation. I'm not sure who was right or wrong, but there was definitely a situation:


Special Mention: Kony 2012. 
Never was so much (lols) owed by so many (trolls) to so few (bedroom activists / busy bodies / rallying cries in 140 characters or less).


# WORST_IN_LOLS (ANTILOLS): Jimmy Savile
:( sadface.


And no lols were had that day; it was the lolocaust. Okay, so some people dressed up as him for Halloween - and maybe someone at work who you think is 'kind of weird' and 'a bit of a dick' tried to tell you a joke about it once - but no one's heart was really in it, you know? It was a bit too close to home. Too real. Too sad. :( sadface. :'( sadface with tear. Moving on.


# BEST_IN_FILM: Prometheus
It is not a prequel to Alien, even though we market it as exactly that. It is a 'spiritual successor' or a 'precursor'. If you 'get' Prometheus then you are an intelligent consumer.


Was it the best film of the year? No, of course not. It made no fucking sense, it was massively over-hyped, and it had moar plot holes than Twin Peaks had ambiguous. But, man - what a ride. It was the first time that I've been genuinely excited for a film in years. It was an event.

Did you know that it originally wasn't anything to do with the Alien franchise? Back in the day, it was penned as an 'Origin of the species' / 'Is God real?' / 'Deep and meaningful circlejerk for post-grads'. I'm not a cinematographer, but I think the converstation went something like this:

     Writer Bro: "This is an incredibly visceral and tactile exploration of the creation of Man."
     Company Bro: "That sounds pretty gay to me. What about adding some aliens and shit?"
     Writer Bro: "What? No. No, that's not the story I want to tell."
     Company Bro: "Definitely needs more aliens. Maybe explosions, too."

That's why the Alien plot seems tacked on. This blog is informative.


# WORST_IN_FILM: The Dictator
It is okay for Sacha to make jokes about minorities because Sacha is a minority. If you do not 'get' that then you are a racist, and a chauvinist, and a Hitler.


I have pretty thick skin when it comes to the lols. I used to work at a shop once and I served an old woman some Sherbet Lemons. She fell over - like a frail, beige and cashmere tree. I dropped her change down over the counter and thanked her for her custom. But I actually had to stop watching this film halfway through because it offended me.

I don't even know who the shit this film was made for. What was it's purpose? What was it trying to say? If you're not white, you are a double nigger? If you're a woman, you are a) an idiot or b) a lesbian or c) a cumdumpster? If you're poor, no one cares? If you're rich, you are immoral? The film just snarled and snapped at everyone, like a rabid badger.

Special Mention: Ted
Bros said it was just like Family Guy but IRL. And with a teddy bear.

 "It's just like Family Guy but in real life. And with a teddy bear." - A Bro


# BEST_IN_MUSIC: Electro Music / Breathy Vocals / Drum Machines
Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop Bleep Bloop

It's been a massive, massive year for electronic music. Bands like Little Dragon, Grimes, Phantogram, SBTRKT, and Chromatics have been my entry into it. It's been a great trip. I've lerned a lot. But what I've lerned the most is that at the core of every electronic band isn't talent. It isn't art. It isn't memes or buzz. It isn't how many 'likes' they have on Facebook or how many followers they have on Twitter. It's this:


A beautiful, beautiful synthesiser. So many plinky plonk. So many bleep bloop. Thanks, 2012. <3 heart symbol.


# WORST_IN_MUSIC: Nicki Minaj
They say, what they gonna say? Have a drink, clink, found the Bud Light. Bad bitches like me, is hard to come by.



I went though this earlier in the year. Nothing has changed. Maybe it just got worse.


# BEST_IN_GAMING: X-Com Enemy Unknown
Can you protect the world from a mysterious alien menace? You will have to defeat mysterious aliens, mysterious alien weaponry, and game-breaking bugs and glitches :( sadface.


'Best game I've played in ages. I don't play a lot of games anymore, due to getting leantravelling and shit, and drawing super advanced comics. But I dusted off my Ecksbawks and fought the good fight. X-Com is a remake of a popular Windows PC game from the mid 1990's. It was fucking sweet then. It's fucking sweet now but with moar graphics. (OMG it had so many graphics.) It's a RTS, which stands for Real Time Strategy. Excellent game.


# WORST_IN_GAMING: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Insert Star Wars related joke here. ('This is not the game you're looking for,' or 'What a piece of junk,' or 'Nooooooo!' or 'It's a trap.' etc)


I don't even play this game anymore. I haven't played this game for months. But I still check the gaming sites for coverage of it. Why? Because it's the singlemost shambolic waste of potential / a franchise / internets since the invention of potential / a franchise / internets. It let down the internet. It's a lollercoaster. It sparks so many flamewars its a fucking goldmine of lols. Within a year it had hemorrhaged players, cut staff numbers, the management resigned, the company's shares fell - it let down everybody. 

Did you know that this game cost $200 - $300 million to make? Did you know it's basically World of Warcraft, but in space and not good? Not at all. Star Wars TOR is a MMORPG, which stands for Massively Multiplayer Circlejerk OTI for People Who Don't Like People IRL. Awful. Just awful.

The internet calls it TORtanic. Like Titanic, innit haha lol. This blog is informative. You're welcome. I love you.


CONCLUSION:

2012 has been a good year. Personally it's treated me real tender, like a sensual massage between lovers - maybe with candles and incense sticks and shit.

I have a great life. 'Great friends. 'Great job.

I'm happy. A few of my peers are settled down and grown up now. Some have kids. Some are married. Serious business. It might be what they want, but it's not what I want. Not yet. Not until I find someone special *.

What's the alternative? I see people in relationships they shouldn't be in anymore. People who have outgrown one another, or got back with people they shouldn't have, or just passively aggressively hate one another. Stale, loveless, content, and dull. Like when you have a marathon of  _________________ (insert TV Series / film franchise here) every other night of the week. Eating too much junk food. Not having enough sex. Content.

I've been there and done that. It's not living. I'd rather be single for the rest of 2013 than stumble back into that.

So - thanks, 2012. Love you, 2012. Hate you, 2012. Miss you, 2012.


* (A woman. Despite that sentence sounding gay.)

Saturday, 29 December 2012

IF AN INDIE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO ONE IS AROUND TO HEAR IT, DOES IT MAKE A SOUND?

Is indie music dying? Did indie music already dead?

As you know - I always ask the tough questions and I don't rest until I bring you the truth. It's my blessing. It's my curse.

Hullo, the internet. My name is Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about indie music.


# INDIE_IRL

Opposite where I work is a rare sight. As rare as a wrinkle on Courtney Cox's soft, acyclic-like skin. As rare as an Asian girl with a slightly lighter shade of jet black hair. It's an antique. A dinosaur. It's an independent record shop. An anonymous bro says that in 10 years time you're moar likely to see Jesus than an independent record shop.

What about Jesus in an independent record shop?
Fuck, man. Mind = Blown.

"In 10 years time you're moar likely to see Jesus than an independent record shop." - Anonymous Bro

Resident displays a sign saying, 'Winner. Best Independent Record Shop.' Current. Edgy. Kewl. Alt. But then there's only like 3 independent record shops left in the world, so that's sort of like winning the Special Olympics. It's like winning a war when the other side doesn't even show up.

WE ARE #1
(#deathofmusic #leantimes #internetpiracyfundsterrorism)

Anyways, they display another sign about their album of the year. It's post-internet, electro-soundscaping, plinky-plonky, urban-elf-and-possible-sexy-bitch-but-I'm-not-sure - Grimes. Now, a lot of cool people say that Grimes is just a hawt girl with bangs and a bunch of bleep bloop machines.

Pictured: A hawt girl with bangs.
(No bleep bloop machines.)

"Grimes is just a hawt girl with bangs and a bunch of bleep bloop machines." - A Cool People.

Is this the most Indiest Thing of 2012 Evar ™? Is Grimes 'current'? Is Grimes 'alternative'? Do you 'get' her? Would you have sexual intercourse with Grimes on a bed of synths and then maybe take her to see a very current live band, or would you take her to see a very current live band and then have sex with her on a bed of synths? Tough questions. Tough questions.

'Thing is, her music's good. I like it. She has an excellent ratio of obscure breathy vocals + plinky ploky beeb beebs = album of the year.

But is this really the best that indie music can muster? In a year? A whole year?

Is indie music dying? Did indie music already dead?


# THE_SCENE

My friend was doing merch for some band last month. ('Not sure why.) So I went with him so soak up the local scene. To be seen in the scene.

You can tell this song's about feelings,
because he has a tambourine.

Anyways, the band was not good. Not at all. They were like Vocal Harmony Core. Or Post BeetBoxx. Or Chill Cool Dad Rock. (I don't know if any of them are real genres. Probably.) Think 4 bros. 2 bros on acoustic guitar singing about emotions and doing 90's boyband harmonies. 1 soggy-dicked, sasquatch-looking mofo bro on bass. And 1 bro with 1337 beat boxing skills, like one of those X Factor contestants who's edgy because he has 1337 beat boxing skills.

"I first started beat boxing 'cosv of my deep and serious psychological problems. #sexual_abuse, y'all :( sadface. But it's cool and shit, because now I have mad skills 4 realsies." - X Factor Contestant

Is this indie? Is indie music dying? What's the best way to be seen in the scene?

Maybe it's the difference between professionals and amateurs. Maybe all these up and coming cookie-cutter indie bands just need to shhh and mine a thick new vein of untapped music. Maybe we have enough bands. Maybe we don't need any more bands.

It's sort of like Pepsi Max. Pepsi are established. Professional. Pepsi make sweet, sweet Pepsi Max out of secret ingredients and aspartame. (People say aspartame is bad for you because it makes you forget things - but that's the reason I drink diet cola; to forget all of the horrible things that I saw in the war, to forget all of the bad decisions that I've made, and to forget all of the breasts that I've seen with that wonky areolar.) Pepsi are consistent. Professional.

I DRINK TO FORGET!
I DRINK TO FORGET!!!1

Now, say that a pair of bros turn to one another and are all like, 'Hey, bro. Do you think that we should make our own unique-as-a-snowflake brand of diet cola?'
   The other bro turns to the first bro.
   'Yes, bro,' he says. 'Yes  we should totes do that, bro.'

The thing is - the amateur bros can't make good diet cola. They just copy the ingredients from existing diet colas, put the mix in the diet cola making machine, and hope for the best.


# INDIE_CLUB_NIGHTS

So, I went to this indie night at a club on the sea front and in the smoking area I saw this kid say to another kid, "I'll pop you, nigger." (He was white. Obviously.) At first, I was sort of like 'meh,' and then he put his hand into the gun gesture and then I was all like 'whoa,' and then he turned the hand making the gun gesture 90 degrees (like a rap man) and then I was all like 'Fuck. This kid is actually going to pop that other kid with his hand gun."

Is this indie? Do you vibe to this?

They play Smells Like Some Teen Spirit by The Nirvanas. Now, I don't even think that counts as indie. By indie, do they just mean alternative? Kewl? Alt?

If we could harness the power from the speed that Kurt Cobain's spinning in his grave, then we could solve the fossil fuel dependency.

Smoking will be the death of you, Kurt.


# INDIE_OTI

"If it is made. If it is digital. It can be pirated." - Pirate / Cyber Criminal

There's nothing on Gods Green Earth which cannot be stolen with enough internets. Maybe this is the main malfunction with indie as an industry.

Chances are that if you're an indie band, then your target audience knows where to find your album OTI (and where to steal it). Yes, they might go and they might 'buy the actual CD' if they like it. (They won't buy it.) Yes, they might come and see you live if they like it. (If you tour near them, or are on the bill at a relevant and current and #alt festival.) Yes, they might buy some merch. (If they ever send me that Little Dragon T Shirt I that ordered like 2 fucking months ago - get your act together, assholes.)

Look at the Billboard Top 200. 'Top 5 are:

  • Red - Taylor Swift (I think she's like the woman from the Coyote Ugly Moonlight song, but moar sluttier.)
  • Trouble Man - T.I. (I literally have no idea who the shit this is. It's a sweet Marvin Gaye song, though.)
  • Unorthodox Jukebox - Bruno Mars (Again, no idea - but I think that he has a cat on the album cover - so he's legit.)
  • Take Me Home - The One Directions (Like Barbie dolls for prepubescent girls. But they're boys. Very clean hair.)
  • Christmas - Michael Bubble (A celebration of Easter by a poor man's Sinatra. Possible cunt. Unconfirmed.)

Pictured: Possible cunt. (Unconfirmed.)

These are the 5 albums which have sold the most this year. Are they the best 5 albums of the year? I'm going to go way, way, waaay out on a limb and say, "No." The thing is Granny Fuck who <3's Michael Bubble don't know how to internet. Tina Taataa who <3's Taylor Swift don't know how to internet neither *. If they want to own this music and align their personal brand to the brand of these musicians, then they need to physically go out and by the CD from Asda or hand over those PayPals in exchange for the MP3's from Amazon.

Indie fans (I presume) know how to internet. So the fans steal all the nutritious MP3's. So the indie band gets no £££. :( sadface.


# CONCLUSION

I feel like we've all learned a lot here today but probably not. 

What came first, the chicken or the egg? The chicken, because nothing evolved into an egg. The chicken was inside. 

What's the sound of 1 hand clapping? It's like 'fap fap fap.' Or about half the volume of 2 hands clapping. 

If an indie falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes. It makes the same sound over and over and over again for most of the 2000's - and eventually - people don't want to listen to it any more. We're tired of hearing the same song for 10 years.

But Bloc Party were pretty sweet.



* She's called Tina Taataa because she has small boobs because she's like 10 or something.