Thursday, 25 October 2012


Hullo, my name's Adam and tonight I have a) massive insomnia and b) a thirst for knowledge. I'm like a sponge. A sleepy sponge.

It is 5am. My handsome penis is flaccid and I have that feel when you've just woken up and can't get back to sleep. I've put a load of washing on. I've drunk some pop. I've tidied my room. Normally, it would be time to go back to sleep by now - but after half an hour of tossing and turning it's dawned on me that I won't be getting back to sleep any time soon.

So I've decided to do something constructive with my time. Is it as constructive as, say, curing cancer or touching myself? - no not really - but it might be more rewarding.

Cats. Dogs. What does it all mean?

Once again, the internet provides startling insight,

I am completely unbiased when it comes to this matter. Yes, I do own a cat - and yes - I don't much care for dogs. But as always, my journalistic integrity comes before all other concerns. So take my digital hand, friend - our journey is about to begin.


Dogs can pull a sled. Dogs can detect drugs. Dogs can detect bombs (I think. I'm not sure). Dogs can save someone from a mountain top (and bring them nutritious booze). Dogs are Man's Best Friend ™.

Cats can purr and stuff. 
A cat wouldn't even go outside
in this weather.

This really is a no-contest. Cats are useless. They contribute nothing and take everything - much like something to do with politicians? (I'm sure that there's a joke there somewhere. If you're cleverer than me and can make the connection, let me know.)

Cats are selfish. Cats are independent. They don't really care about humans.

A dog will come to your aid if you're attacked and it'll bite and it'll bark and stuff. A cat will look at you and give approximately 0 fucks as you bleed out on the floor.

***** WINNER: DOGS *****
Very interesting. Dogs take an early lead.
Lead. (Because dogs have leads.)


To solve this situation, I've consulted Google Images and cross referenced the top 3 results for each animal. A highly trained team of scientists then processed the results using complicated algorithms and pie charts. It's been really scientific and shit. Behold:

Grey Kitten Snoozes With Toy

If you look closely, you can clearly see that this is a kitten. What’s fascinating is that this kitten has a toy kitten with it. It’s a kitten within a kitten. A Kitception if you will.

Sad Kitten Is Sad

I think that in this kitten has daddy issues. I wonder what its story is? What has it seen? Why does it not want to talk about it?


Someone’s been playing silly buggers with Photoshop. This definitely does not look legit to me.

Running Dog

This dog looks so far in the closet I think that it’s broken through to Narnia. This is the kind of dog that someone takes to a special place to have its hair cut. Weak.

Sleeping Puppy

This puppy is sleeping.

Sleeping Puppy

This puppy is the same puppy as the previous puppy but painted brown.

***** WINNER: CATS *****
This clearly proves that cats are cuter.
Why? Because fuck you. That's why.


A baby cat is called a kitten and a baby dog is called a puppy. I used to work at an aquarium, so you can trust me in all matters involving animals.


Remember all those Disney and Pixar films with adult animals as the main character? No, me neither. They're always young; you have Nemo, Bambi, Dumbo, and then there's one-hundred-and-one fucking Dalmatians. Even if we count only the kittens - you still have Simba, The Aristocats, and Oliver.

From Oliver and Company. You're most welcome.
I always, always have your back, gentle reader. <3 heart symbol.

Whereas older animals in Disney and Pixar films are usually the villain and old and ugly and scary. Like Nicki Minaj. /thread.

My point here is that kittens and puppies are cute - but when they grow up, sometimes not so much. So let's now compare the young animal to the adult animal. I'm sure you'll agree, my discoveries were most irregular.

***** WINNER: CATS *****
This was a really tough call, but several many species of dog look quite cute
as puppies, and then grow into ugliness as they become adults. Several many. 


This is how I solve any arguments in a relationship. Normally, I date slender, pretty little things - so when it comes to fighting them I usually do quite well - which of course makes me right.

But enough about me; who would win in a fight between a cat and a dog? I think that there's 3 tiers to this: Kitten Vs Puppy, Domestic Cat Vs Domestic Dog, and Big Cat Vs Wild Dog. To examine all the angles here, I played with the idea of setting up an arena in my flatmate's bedroom. The animals could then be filed in there 2 by 2 for a brutal, Pokemon-style, battle to the death.

I aborted this idea pretty early on because, realistically, where would I be able to get a Tiger from? I mean honestly, sometimes I don't know what I'm like. So instead I'll use careful research to simulate the fights.

I fed all of the information into an old copy of Street Fighter 2 and let it play out. It was like Tron but without all the neon crap.

! kitten vs puppy
Kitten Vs Puppy
Winner: Puppy

! dog vs cat
Domestic Cat Vs Domestic Dog
Winner: Domestic Dog

! tiger vs hyena
Big Cat Vs Wild Dog
Winner: Big Cat

***** WINNER: DOGS *****
Well, that proves that. 
2 to 1 in favour of dogs. 


 Dog's are stupid.

***** WINNER: CATS *****


Well, cats win 3 to 2. It must be true because you’re reading it on the internet.

I think we’ve all learned something here today but probably not. The absolute last thing I want to do is cause trouble on the internets. Hopefully you don't disagree with any of the careful, careful research submitted here. I mean, how could you? I was so thorough and careful.

And it could've been a lot worse.

I was planning on writing about what's bestest: baby humans or baby animals. Imagine the fallout from that lollercoaster? Delicious.