Thursday, 27 September 2012


Facebook is addictive. And I smoke. And I played World of Warcraft. I know addiction.

I read something somewhere on the internet that every time you check an email, or you check your mobile, or you check your social networks religiously for signs of life - it takes you about 10 minutes to get back on track with whatever it is that you were doing before. (I don't remember where I read it. It's a big internet.)

I think it's true, though. And Facebook is by far the biggest offender. I check that little blue-painted whore at least every quarter of an hour. For what? For likes? For comments? For game requests to Texas Hold 'Em Poker, Avengers: Assemble!, and Popsong? It's like digital thrush; you met someone once, you got too close too soon, and now it won't go away. No matter how many times you click, 'No, thanks,' 'No, thanks,' 'No, thanks,' 'No, thanks.'

How many fucks do I give about these things? 0. I give 0 fucks about these things.

Hullo, my name is Adam and today I'd like to share with you some words about my week off Facebook. Firstly, use your eyes to look at this situation:

As you can clearly see, Facebook squats in the top left corner, a vulture with a bellyful of your spare time.
The little Mexican man below says, 'No'.

Oooo. Ahhh. Some very good points 'raised above, I'm sure you'll agree. So what do?

Well, last weekend I decided to deactivate my Facebook. I deactivated my profile. I deleted the App off my phone. I went off the grid.

I'm an outlaw. Like this guy. So legit.

It's not exactly Jesus going to the cross, or Gandhi going on hunger strike (or whatever he did; I haven't seen that film for ages) but it is serious business. First world problems are merciless. Moar about my reasons why later.

So this was on Saturday.

Sunday, local celebrity and all round lovely, Zoe Ball comes to my work and buys a hairbrush for her daughter. A celebrity brought one of my wooden dreams. That's got Facebook written all over it. One of my greatest hits on Facebook was a photo of the guy from Fonejacker and I. It received an unprecedented 20-something likes. Amazing. What would a photo of Zoe Ball have got? 25? 26? 30?! Oh my, imagine that.

(Incidentally, the greatest hit I ever had on Facebook was something to do with X-Factor loser and legendary IRL troll, Wagner coming to Brighton to play a gig. The numbers were astronomical. The internet nearly crashed and it was the happiest day of my life.)

For those of you reading from outside the UK, this is Wagner.
He was such a letch, the dancers refused to dance with him. 

Other than wanting to share that very news-worthy status, the Zoe Ball one, I didn't miss it that much at all. Oh, and I saw an old man dressed in a red vinyl catsuit. That was lol. Oh, and this woman keeps coming up to me and saying God loves me.

"God's everywhere," she says. "He's omnipresent."
That's not true, I say. If he fires blanks, how did he make Jesus? I was lol. She, not so much. True story.

But I digress. The first day was distracting - I was all, 'OMG AM I MISSING SITUATIONS?!!!1' but that soon faded away. I had a most productive week without it.

So I'm reactivating my Facebook this Saturday; but I'm going to keep the page blocked most of the time Mon-Fri from now on. 'Why, Adam? Are you a recluse?' I hear you ask. No, not at all, gentle reader. I just don't need it. It's a waste of time, mostly. It's like they've weaponised procrastination and Facebook is the Doomsday Device.

There's bits of it I do like: nutritious lols, cat photos, events, and keeping in contact with people I no longer live near. But the bulk of it doesn't interest me any more. I see a photo of a baby. I see an engagement. I see a marriage. I'm a (nearly) 30 year old boy. I can't relate to these things; I'm not there yet. It's like I'm living on the same planet as these people, but we're not in the same orbit any more.

I'm not saying they're right and I'm wrong; we're just different.

So what? I've been walking for at least 5 years.

It' supposed to bring us all closer together, the Facebook I mean, but I think it's making us drift apart. This is the page which made me think about this stuff. (I found out about it through Facebook. Define irony.) Chrome extension that will block pages entirely or give you a set time limit on them. It's free, the best price of all.

* I didn't presume to ask Zoe Ball for a photo. She was with her kid and I felt bad asking. But it totally happened.