Tuesday, 26 June 2012

LIFE: 1 MAN. 1 WEEK SOBER.

Hullo, my name is Adam and I haven't had any alcholols for a week. But I'm getting ahead of myself - let me start at the beginning. I am a simple man. I like feelings, internets, and booze. There's other stuff too but none of them are as interesting as these 3 basic components. It's like that Fire Triangle thing you were shown when you were a kid:

Feelings. Internets. Booze.
(lols in the middle)

I haven't had a bad experience with booze and I'm not here to feed you a sob story like an X Factor contestant. No, I don't have a drinking problem. No, I don't have any health issues. And no, Uncle Barry did not touch me. But last Saturday was disgusting* tbh. Even though I'm not a scientist I've put together this Flow Chart for you to enjoy. Use your eyes to enjoy it:

START > Finished work at 6pm > Drinking from 6:30 > Aborted mission to pub and went straight to club > Left 80's night because it really does suck these days > Went to Casino > Got told off by Roulette Man for continuously shouting, "I'm a fucking high roller! I'm a fucking high roller!" > Somehow won monies > Did Walk of Shame to RFC (does anyone know what that stands for?) and brought poor man's Big Mac > Watched Battlestar Galactia, despite being unable to use eyes > 4am > FIN

* Sorry, the word I was looking for was 'amazing'.

This isn't usually my scene. It's actually pretty barbaric. I won't bore you with an inventory of the drinks, but to put you in the picture, my pre-drink was 2 bottles of Cava (or as I like to call it, 'The Full Metal Jacket'). I was so hungover the next day I had to leave work and have a half to take the edge off. Not cool. Not cool at all.

So, like a plucky adventurer off into the unknown, I decided not to booze for a week. This is what happened:


MONDAY

Pretty standard back-to-work blues. I still felt rough, even come midday. But through the foggy-numb in my grey matter a plan is hatching. What if I don't drink for a week and see what happens? Interesting. Very interesting. Now it wouldn't be a challenge if I wasn't to do anything during this week, like staying in and hibernating or whatever, so it had to be a week where I was going to be active. It's easy to give something up if you're not around it. Like when The Transformers films give up on plot, story, and basic filmmaking when a competent director's not around.

"NO ROOM FOR PLOT, STORY, AND BASIC FILMMAKING.
NEEDS MOAR EXPLOSIONS, FUCKING ROBOTS, AND BREASTS!!!1"

So anyways, it would only be a challenge if I was actually doing stuff. This week I'm off to a gig, a lads night (oi oi), a leaving do, and some superduper secret show (just who is Dead Hors?). Challenge accepted.


TUESDAY

Changed my hair. No booze.


WEDNESDAY

Watched a film with some friends. Now usually, this would be absolute prime-time to liberate a bottle of wine. Maybe a Chardonnay or a light Chenin Blanc from Chile or pretty much whatever Tesco had on special offer. One does not question God's will.

We watched some real tl;dr piece of crap movie with that girl who plays Rogue in X-Men and some other jerkoffs. I think the skinny guy who played Mark Zuckerberg was in it too. I don't know, I'm not a cinematographer. But I resisted the temptation and didn't drink. Truly, I am a rock.


THURSDAY

Less Than Jake gig. Straight off the bat, we have a serious problem here as most of their songs are about getting drunk. Liquor Store, Three Quarts Drunk, Fucked, Malt Liquor Tastes Better When You Have Problems - you get the idea. I told my friend that the singer in the support band looked, 'Kooky'. This bagged a ROLF from her. Had I been drunk, I probably would've said she looked, 'Like a bitch' or I would've at least been obnoxious to somebody by now - I mean it's Thursday already. So far so good. My lols are working to capacity and so far I haven't called anyone a bitch.

Bitch.

Some kids came up to me while I was having a smoke and asked me for a light. I had a really pleasant conversation with them and learned that 1 of them was going off to teach English in South America. Already, something is different here, like I'm a stranger in a strange land. I am using the word 'pleasant' - but what does it mean? I must continue my journey. They also said I had nice hair and that they thought I was 22. I liked these kids. Had I been drunk, I probably would've deployed a shock-lol about South America.

I remember once back in the day, my friend introduced me to one of his friends for dating, casual fun, and situations. She was hawt - so I was suprised that she was single. But believe me, gentle reader, there was a very good reason that she was single. She'd just come back from some gap year. So intense. Like she'd found herself or something, man. We're talking tie-dye sarongs, handwoven pashminas, drapes of beads, a faint whisper of incense, and she even had a bindi on her forehead. Oh noes. She was incredibly po-faced and serious business about some BS she'd done in Thailand about teaching local girls practical skills - so they could build a better future for themselves and all that good stuff. I turned to her and said, "So you're teaching them to be better prostitutes?" Absolute quiet. Whole table. Ground Zero has more noise during a 1 minute silence.

"TOO SOON! TOO SOON!!!1ONE1"

Anyways, this is usually how I operate when I'm drunk. Not out of meanness, please don't misunderstand me, it's just because I get bored very easily and I like mischief very much. /thread.

But the gig went really well. The band were great. Last time I saw them I lost a shoe - so as I strode out, so strong and so casual and so erect, with a full set of shoes - I knew I'd done well. I made some new friends too. Win.

Then it was off to Chloe's leaving do. She's moving to Tunbridge wells. To her parents house. Poor thing. The problem here was that the leaving do was at Audio on a night called Bastard Pop (I think it's a community outreach project where they let children from broken homes who like to DJ 'bring the pain' or whatever a cool DJ saying is. I think that's quite cool). Now going to Bastard Pop sober is like going to a game of Street Fighter 2 without your ↓↘→ move. And if you don't understand what that means then let me explain it another way - it's like going to a crap club sober.

I can't add anything to this picture to make it funnier.

Again, it went well. Got in, got out, so casual. No alcoholols. 


FRIDAY

Pretty much stayed in. Nothing to report. Oh, well I did try to whiten my whites using lemon juice. It doesn't work.


SATURDAY

Lads Night. Yeah, I got the FOMO real bad when my friends ordered in some shots to line their stomachs and I ordered a Diet Coke. I started to think, 'Do I want to be that guy who doesn't drink?' But my commitment to my art is strong. I need to give the internets the truth and finish what I started. I didn't drink any booze. PROTIP: I never knew how many monies you could save by not drinking. My end of the bill came to less then half of everyone elses.

As we walked through the Laines some of us got separated - hypnotised by that shop that has the plaster-casts of vaginas in the window. How many lols were had? Many lols were had. As we walked off I turned around and asked if anyone had ever, "Slept with a woman who'd had a kid?" I was face to face with some 50 year old dude. He was not one of us. A stranger! He said, "Yeah, I have. I'm married". It was then I realised that his wife had probably had kids. Was she a bitch? I don't know, but it's probably best to be cautious and say, 'Yes'.

We went to a pub. Again, shots did the rounds. This time I had a Diet Coke in a bottle. Be still, my racing heart. Then, like brave Vikings docking our longboat ashore for some good ultra-violence and pillage, our group made it to the Casino. Legendary gambler and all round bro, Jez was in our party so we should get an instant +1 to our Luck rolls.

I'm sure this will come as a suprise to no one, but going to a Casino sober is not fun. Not fun at all.

This guy knows the score.

Man, when I was there last week I could feel the ebb and flow of the game. The mathmatics of chance were laid bare before me just waiting for me to align them into corresponding shapes. I could taste it. It was music I could hear - the song telling me to, 'Bet that shit all on black because you're a fucking high-roller and a big-dick bastard'. This week, all I could hear was the soggy penguin bar singer. The music had left me.

I was too busy looking at that stoopid screen that records all the previous plays and trying to calculate the odds. Last week, the most challenging part of my game was trying to get my chip on the black. (It was very hard).

Within 10 minutes I'd lost it all. :'( sadface featuring tear.

Then I came home and wrote this bit you're reading now. I will now touch myself and go to sleep. Sweet dreams, everyone. I love you.


SUNDAY

Sunday's the day I remember the sacrifice that Jesus made for us - but I can't think about that right now because today's the last day of my experiment. Usually, not drinking on a Sunday is pretty easy. It's not as if there's a lot of situations. But tonight there's this Dead Hors thing going on. What is Dead Hors? Fuck noes. But they have a free bar. My plan was to ride the sobriety train until midnight, completing my full 7 days, and then depart the train at Messedupville. Or Drunk Town. Or a destination like that (I'm not clever enough to think up a good one). But then my friend Charlotte, a highly trained lol-technician and the woman who came up with the saying 'The magic of the word', which is an amazing win, had a most excellent idea. The last alcoholic drink I'd had was about midday Sunday last week, when I had to do the old hair of the dog to sort myself out. Incidentally, I used to work at this bar back in the day and some old boy told me that saying is something to do with treating rabid dogs. Did you know that? I did not know that.

We don't host dog photos on this site. Here is a cat.

But I digress. With my full 7 days completed I was legally allowed to get back on it. I got a bit carried away and thought that a bottle of wine was an acceptable pre-drink. Also there was about an hours delay before the club opened, which normally would make anyone feel real :( sadface, having to queue up like a sadsack. But my friend, prolific singer-songwriter and all-round lovely, Hero and I are seasoned veterans and had brought some booze for the road. We necked that booze in the street. It was good to see that I'd learned absolutely nothing from my week off. Casual.


CONCLUSION

I still don't really know what the Dead Hors thing was. I was sort of hoping they were going to crucify a horse but they didn't :( sadface. There was a DJ man. He 'raised the roof' and 'flip-reversed it' (or whatever a cool DJ saying is. I think that's quite cool). I think I know less about Dead Hors now then I did before I went in. So mysterious. So current. So cool.

But lets get back on topic - my week off booze. How'd it go? Genuinely, I enjoyed it. Of course there were the odd times when I just wanted to enjoy a pint with my friends. I mean I look after kittens and sell wooden dreams to people, so I deserve to get loose every now and again. But getting anhilated just takes too much out of me these days. Maybe its an age thing - but I feel the aftermath of heavy drinking far worse and for far longer than I did then when I was a kid. But realistically the hangovers I can deal with - a pint of water and some paracetamol before bed, and a bottle of Lucozade and some mackerel the next morning (don't judge me) and I feel like a boss. It's the times when I'm a naughty little bugger and say silly, confrontational things that cause me more of a headache the next day.

Do you ever get that feel where you think, 'Oh noes - did I really say that last night?'. I get this more often then not. I remember some friends and I were talking about Rhianna and in my infinite wisdom I said, "She was never quite the same after Chris Brown educated her." I mean seriously, what the fuck is that? Of course I don't agree with what he did and I don't think domestic violence is at all lol, but when I'm drunk I just want to watch the world burn.


Also, I don't want to sound like a gaylord, or indeed the lord of the gays - but OMG all those empty calories. That too, I can do without. So I guess I did learn something. I think going tee-total is a fail. I genuinely think that when you're drunk you're the real you, stripped of pretence and the shackles of common sense and repercussion. If you're a happy drunk, like me, then it can be a wonderful thing. But then if you go too far you can start being a bit of a dick. I can start being a bit of a dick. And no one wants to be that guy.

So I will continue to booze. I like it. I'm good at it. But I'll keep the massive binges down to a bare minimum - just my birthday, NYE, and maybe just those wonderful sporadic nights where you just needs to get loose. 

I just weighed myself and I've lost 1/2 pound too. Adam's getting so lean now. Amazing.



Thursday, 14 June 2012

LIFE: DEALING WITH BREAK UPS 101

We have a lot of lols and situations here on i am awaiting youre reading but sometimes it's time to talk about our feelings. I will start and then you can join in. "Hullo, my name is Adam and today I'd like to talk to you about break ups."

Those of you who've stayed up boozing with me until silly o'clock in the morning will know that I know lots of stuff. Most of it's pretty useless - like 80's film trivia, crap about computer games, how to internet correctly, and stuff about Jeff Buckley. But some of it's useful - like relationship advice.

If you're female, think of me as a less competent version of Sarah Jessica Parker pretending to be Carrie Bradshaw - apart from I touch less penises then she does, unless my own counts, in which case the number's probably about the same.


And if you're male, think of me as a domesticated Bear Grylls - but instead of helping you find food in a frozen wasteland I'll help you find peace of mind in a different kind of wasteland. The wasteland of anitlols. That's emotional and this is serious business. I will now share with you the precious, precious things that I've learned about break ups using words. You may learn something but probably not.

Bring lots of Stimpacks.


1) HOW DID IT END?

This sets the tone for the whole break up. Was it mutual? Was it one persons decision? Was it amicable and did you talk about feelings and cuddle and whatnot? This can make a huge difference to how you cope with your relationship ending. For example - if you find out someone's cheated on you, then it'll probably make your decision to end things pretty easy. You can make your decision and move on.

I don't think I've ever been cheated on, but I do think this woman that I dated back in the day had this other guy on the back burner as her and I were winding down. She started dating that guy like a month after we split up. "Was she a whore, Adam?" I hear you ask. I couldn't possibly answer that. But yeah, probably.

Anyways, when I found out that she was dating someone else so soon (especially when I saw that this other guy was a neck-beard with lots of average where his handsome should've been) it actually made me feel quite perky about the whole situation.

Maybe he had a nicer personality then me but I doubt it.
I mean, I look after kittens and stuff for Christ's sake.

After I'd gotten over the initial antilols I realised that if she could moved on so quickly then we probably didn't have anything that special to begin with. /thread.

Of course, it's harder if your partner's decided to call it a day and you still love them. So, what do? Well you can negotiate and beg and plead - all that stuff. But if they've made up their mind then ultimately you have to come to terms with it. The sooner you accept that your ex and you are over, the sooner you can start shopping around for someone else.

How your ex acts just after the break up can affect you too. It can be upsetting if your ex looks like they're out every night living a heterosexual vida loca. Even moreso when you're integrated into eachothers lives by mutual friends and social media. If you don't like it, then create a bit of a firewall between the 2 of you. Stop their updates appearing on your Facebawks News Feed. If they're really pissing you off and you just want to cut them out completely, like they cut that 30 minutes of footage from the middle of Leon, just block them for a bit. There's also ways to get rid of that annoying Facebook Ticker thing if you use Chrome. It's only as hard as you make it.

He teaches her how to use grenades and everything.


2) EMOTIONAL SITUATIONS

For the foreseeable future your emotions are going on a bit of a lolocoaster. It's like that bit in a film where adversity has tested our protagonist and they're feeling pretty sad about life. This part of a films story is called The Approach to the Innermost Cave (That Media BTEC finally served some purpose). In Star Wars it’s when the Millennium Falcon is tractor-beamed into the Death Star. It fucking sucked at the time, but then they rescued Princess Leia and many lols were had.

Yeah, things were not great for Buzz here, but then he gets to
date an underage cowgirl. Swings and roundabouts.

Some jerkoff came up with a formula that, 'every 1 year you were with someone equates to 1 month of getting over them'. But I guess that changes from relationship to relationship. Yes, there're quick fixes. But like all quick fixes some are about as much use as a dating website for pets. Once I used to work at an aquarium and I snapped a pipe. This pipe acted like a plug on a 30'000 litre bath. As water started to flood everywhere I thought, 'Fuck it' and took my shirt off to plug the hole. Did it stop the leak? Yes. Did it last a long time? Not so much. I will now explain quick fixes for getting over your ex using words:

  • TOTALLY JUST SLEEP WITH SOMEONE ELSE REAL QUICK - Yes, this will heal the immediate pain. It'll make you feel desirable and really cool and that the other person made a mistake because you're the bomb and the fuse. But you knew that before you got with them. Do you really need to sleep with some random just to feel better about yourself? I mean, do it if you genuinely like them, but otherwise it just is what it is - breaking the seal.

  • NO CONTACT!!!1 - Again, this'll work real good like that urban legend about that guy who blew a wart off his finger with a shotgun. Loads of people swear by no contact. I've done it a bunch of times, and it really does work, but I'm not sure if I'd recommend it tbh. It's overkill - like that urban legend about that guy who blew a wart off his finger with a shotgun. Do you really want to cut this person that you loved out of your life, like we all wish we could cut Alien: Resurrection out of the Alien series? You should probably think real hard about it. Yes, ignorance is bliss and all that, but it's still ignorance. 

It happened. Google it.

  • MAKING THEM SEEM LIKE THE BAD GUY (OR GIRL) - Everyone hates Sean Bean in The Lord of the Rings. He's a complete dicknose who tries to steal treasure from disabled people. Everyone thinks that whoever the actor is who plays his brother Faramir is a pretty cool guy. This is because Boromir is portrayed as a prick, even though he was only trying to do what he thought was the right thing. Blaming every malfunction your relationship had on your ex isn't fair. You were probably no saint either. Take responsibility for the areas where you went wrong and learn from them so you don't repeat them and balls up your next relationship for the exact same reasons.

If you don't fancy a quick fix then you'll have to work through it little by little. May I be so bold as to recommend you use a Break Up Song to assist? These have been around since the dawn of time (probably, I'm not a historian).

"This song's about feelings.
It goes like this."

Understand that you're pretty much about to ruin this song for yourself for the rest of your life - so don't get too attached to it. It will forever be synonymous with this low point in your life. For example, I played that Paul Simon song Graceland to death and now I can't even look at the cover of the album. I deleted all copies of that song from every device I own. I left a shop once because it they were playing it in the background.

Once you've sorted you head out a little, you're ready to come to terms with the situation.


3) COMING TO TERMS WITH THE SITUATION SITUATIONS

You built this perfect little life with your partner and I bet it was just swell. You probably had nicknames for each other, you probably chatted about how pretty your imaginary kids would be, you might have imagined what you'd do when you're both old and grey - you created a world together. What happens when that world is destroyed? All those wonderful things that could have been can now not be.

That hawt brunette who talks in a French accent is in here somewhere.

So, what do? One of the first steps to recovery is just letting go. Understand that the future you planned isn't going to happen and that the world you imagined is gone.

It's easy to get caught up in this and lose perspective. Take a step back. You were happy before you got with your ex and you'll be happy again. Everytime I've broken up with someone the person I've dated next has been, for lack of a better word, better. Or maybe that's not fair, but they've certainly been better for me. I think you just know what you're looking for a little more, you know yourself a little more, and usually your ex has made you a better person anyways - even if the relationship was made of fail, like the 'music' of Frank Turner - you still learned some valuable lessons. Like leaving the room if his CD is playing.

There's a mathematical equation that I invented (as always, with no formal training) to assist with break ups and the process of dating your next special someone. Use your eyes to look at it:

Is (Net Value of your ex) Greater Than Y (Potential of new partner) ?

> Y = Don't bother. Shop around.
< Y = Do it. Upgrade.
= Y = Maybe.

((To find the Net Value of your ex just mentally calculate their attributes, such as lols, win, personality, attractiveness, compatibility, creative sexual deviancy, likes my cat, or whatever else you're looking for. This will give you the Gross Value of your ex. Now subtract the stuff that pissed you off about them. The total figure you're left with is the Net Value.))

Sienna Miller > Some Stupid Nanny  = Jude Law doing it wrong.   

Forget all those negative thoughts you're having about how you'll never meet anyone that wonderful again and that you've lost your soulmate. You don't live in a Disney film. And if you do, answer me this - how do you biologically have sex with Ariel?

I find it comforting in times when you're feeling down about meeting someone to just think that there's some guy / girl out there who's feeling the exact same way you are. You can probably sleep with them if you find them. Get out there and get you some.


4) MOVING ON SITUATIONS

You pretty much have 3 choices - get fucked up as much as possible for as long as possible, feel sorry for yourself like Alexandra Burke feels about never having been Leona Lewis, or do something constructive. These will all affect you in different ways:

Yes, go out and drink until you're sick, smoke until your voice cracks, do some class A's or whatever - but when the dust settles this situation is still going to be there. Here. (I forget what tense we're talking in).

Or you can mope around like a sorry sonofabitch and Q__Q until your eyes run red raw. Don't go out. Don't go to work. You're still going to have to sort it all out eventually.

Or skip all that and just do something useful with your time. Don't get me wrong - a period of getting wrecked and a period of mourning are quite natural and can be really cathartic. I recommend setting aside at least 1 or 2 weeks to wallow in utter self-pity. Reflect upon all the wonderful things you had with your ex and come to terms with the fact that it's over.

But you're about to get a great opportunity. You no longer need to pretend you're interested in all that crap that your ex was interested in. You don't have to see their parents. You don't have to indulge their hobbies. You don't have to eat what they eat, see who they want you to see, be home at a time they consider reasonable - you don't have to compromise. You just got your life back. Go and do something useful with it.

Here is useful stuff that people did after they split up with someone:

  • Phil Collins - Devorced cheating wife. Wrote In the Air Tonight.
  • Angelina Jolie - Got rid of Billy Bob Thornton. Seduced Brad Pitt.
  • Nicole Kidman - Left Tom Cruise. Got career. 
  • Justin Timberlake - Left 'Crazy' Cameron Diaz. Ruined Scarlett Johansen and Jessica Biel. 
  • Guy from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Got...lobotomy or something?

That can be you too (well, maybe not so much with the sleeping with Jessica Biel, but give it a shot. Pics or it didn't happen though). Personally, I'm using this time to exercise and write and rinse up Battlestar Galactitca. Yesterday I learned how to jump rope. Today I wrote this. Is it better then sex with my ex? No, not really. But is it better then the sex I'll have with my next girlfriend? Who knows. But I'm excited to find out.


5) THINKING OF YOUR EX IN A PAST TENSE

Remember that person you broke up with ages ago? It seemed like hell on Earth at the time but now it seems pretty lol, amirite? They'll come a time when you can look back completely detached from the way you feel now and think about the end of this relationship with a clear head.

It's really easy to blot out all the noise and the bad stuff from a relationship and think about only the good stuff. You've all heard about Rose Tinted Glasses. Well don't wear them. They look silly.

"He was a womaniser, a drunk, and he beat me mercilessly.
But he had a kind eyes and a gentle soul."

Making a paragon of your ex is easily done. Just after you break up you'll probably forget all of the very valid reasons that you and your ex didn't work out. There are good reasons why your ex is your ex. Just let go.

It's not something you can rush or blag imo. When you're over someone you're over them. I think it helps enormously when you meet someone else you could see yourself with. But you're only going to meet them by getting yourself out there and causing some mischief.

Of course the break up can limp on and on if the other person won't let you go. You may find that your ex becomes a thorough pain in your ass all of a sudden. I remember I broke up with this girl once and she came back with, "BUT U CANT DUMP ME COS IM PREGNANT WITH YOUR BABBY I HAVE NO PROOF WHATSOEVER BUT IS ALL TRUE I SWEARS IT!!!>!". Of course, I dropped everything and got back together with her right away! (I'm not sure how well sarcasm comes out through text, so just to clarify, that was sarcasm). I smoked a 12.5 gram pouch of Golden Virginia in about 2 hours, man. Turns out it was all complete BS anyway. Stupid girl was stupid.

Again, just maintain your perspective and soldier on. If your heart is pure and you tell no lies - things'll get better.


CONCLUSION

This has been a bit of a funky post to write. Encyclopeda Dramatica taught me to internet and they have a basic fact-to-lol ratio when creating their content, which I inherited and use on this site. That, combined with the short attention span of the average human, means i am awaiting youre reading only posts posts which have 5 points each. It is the law. But with something this complicated I could've gone on for dozens of points. It's difficult sorting through all your thoughts during a break up.

tl;dr - breaking up can be painful. It can strip you to your very core and leave you feeling utterly spent. But out of this emptiness you'll also have a completely blank canvass to start over with. It's a wonderful new possibility. Maybe find yourself someone better suited to you, maybe someone you can be happier with, maybe someone who excites and challenges you again - or maybe just a woman with nicer breasts. Who knows. Whatever you're looking for is out there somewhere.

even if you need a pickaxe, a compass,
and night goggles to find them.
 
 

I always think that men and women fall in love differently. A woman knows when she's in love and she knows when she's out of love. A man may take longer to fall in love but then he'll take longer to fall out of love. I could probably knock up some graph on M$ Excel but tbh I'm about to get in the bath and I don't want to. Depending on the circumstances that led you to call it a day, your resilience, your optimism, and a whole bunch of other variables - this could be one of the lowest points of your life or a lolcano. Either way, it'll probably change you. For better or worse is really up to you.

It's a tough gig you have ahead of you and I don't envy you. I've been there and done that a bunch of times, and yeah, it gets a little easier each time. I miss bits and pieces of every woman I've been with. If I could take all those good bits and mash them all together, like those kids did in Weird Science, then I'd be a happy Adam.

So I think that's what I'm going to be looking for. Just a better woman then I've been with.

Who still looks good in Disco Pants.



Friday, 8 June 2012

LERN 2 INTERNET: IS PIRACY WRONG OR LOL?

I would rather die then watch a downloaded movie or listen to a copied album. That is all.

Actually I don't give a damn because I'm such a damn rad bro, which is just as well otherwise this would be a pretty short post. Let's be real about it - everyone has pirated something or other. People who swear by buying their favourite artists CDs will illegally stream a TV show. People who buy DVD boxsets wont think twice about illegally downloading a whole artists back catalogue. Your parents used to illegally record crap on their VHS players. Even Granny Sadsack and Papa Shrew have lent a book to a friend. We're all pirates. But are we all wrong?

As always, I pride myself on being not very well informed about the specifics or legality of a subject. I just humbly offer you my amazingly insightful insights and some nutritious lols. I also try and shoehorn in jokes about willys, breasts, and some pop culture references.

Here are 5 willys, 2 breasts, and 1 pop culture reference.

In this case though, does anyone even understand what the facts are? What exactly are the cyber police policing? Uploading? Downloading? Streaming? Fair Use Violations? Fuck noes. Does anyone even know someone - directly know someone, not a friend of a friend - who's even gotten themselves into trouble for pirating stuff? No, me neither. These are some seriously serious business questions and together we will explore the arguments for and against. And similarly to when your dad phoned you up drunk at 4am and told you that the day he pretended he was proud of the Most Policies Sold certificate that you were awarded by the call centre was in actuality the saddest day of his life, the truth will come out.

If the cyber police are reading this, I want you to know that I have never, ever downloaded anything in my life and it was all my flatmate.


1) "BUT I PAID FOR X SO ITS OKAY FOR ME TO PIRATE Y"

This is the backbone of many a pirates argument. Last week I watched the major motion picture The Terminator and then I wanted to watch Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Naturally. But I couldn't do that because my copy of the DVD is at my parents house. Disaster. It's also not available to download on Sky Anytime. I've paid for it, so I should be able to download that film from somewhere and watch it, yes? Well, in actual fact, no. The Man sees that as stealing.

I bet The Man sees this as stealing too, even though
 he ain't done nothing! Monsters!

My understanding of the bulk of piracy lawsuits is that it's the making a copy, which will get you into trouble with the FBI or whatnot. The few times that someone has been successfully prosecuted for copywrite violations have been when that someone's uploaded something. So, what do? Yes, you can tell your torrent program to throttle your upload capacity, but then you'll be so far down the list of peers that you'll never get to see if there's any actual quality boobage in Black Swan. (There wasn't. Actual ballache). But if you've already brought a license for a film or whatever, then why can't you watch that sonofabitch whenever you want to? Now I'll never know if Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be back" in Terminator 2, unless I go to my stupid parents stupid house.

The other flavour of this argument normally tastes like this. This guy who totally wasn't me went to the cinema with some friends to go see the major motion picture Prometheus. Now this guy (we'll call him, Butch Tomahawk. He's really handsome and cool) had to pay £10.50 to get a ticket, £1 for the stoopid 3D glasses, but - don't worry - because he totally saved money on the Odeon Combo Deal, where a popcorn and a coke are only £7.50. Amazing savings are amazing. My maths isn't great but that's nearly £20 just to go to the cinema. Now Butch was really chilled out about this (he's really laid back and cool, ladies) and figured it sort of breaks even on a long enough timeline because he streamed the last 2 seasons of Game of Thrones for free.

This guy's legit.

Other variations include:

  • "Well, I brought their first album, so I'm pirating this one."
  • "Well, I went to see them live once, so I'm downloading all their stuff."
  • "Well, I paid for the content on VHS or some other format, so I'm pirating a digital copy."
  • (Butch even reckons that he's justified in pirating stuff because he thinks that council tax is too high. What a maverick!)

The running theme here is this sense of entitlement. I want this. I deserve this. It's wrong, but tbh, fairplay to the unwashed masses on this one. We all work damn hard for our money and it doesn't go very far. So if there's a wealth of free media just a click away, get your grubby little paws all over it. Just don't waste your time on Black Swan, okay? PROTIP: Natalie Portman is far more slutty in that Closer film.


2) "BUT WHAT ABOUT THE EXCITING NEW BANDS?!!!1"

Fuck them. Do we really, really need moar stupid bands? I think after Grace, Jeff Buckly pretty much /thread on music. True story. I don't care about exciting new bands who pretty much all sound the same and all look the same and are all pretty much shit.

An actual Cool New Band or a generic stock photo of
an imaginary Cool New Band? Who knows.

I feel bad for them, truly. Some are fantastic, genuinely talented, and passionate like a poem between lovers. And in another time and another place they would've blown up. But these days exciting new bands are everywhere. I draw retarded-looking cartoon animals on boxes for a living. I'm the only one who does this in the street that I trade out of. Business is good. Now imagine if that street had like 20 other jerkoffs all drawing retarded-looking cartoon animals on boxes. It's a finite market. There're only so many drawing's of retarded-looking cartoon animals on boxes that customers need.

Or look at it this way - if you knew that you'd be spending days and days working on something that your customers could steal right off the internets in less time then it's taken you to read this sentence, then you need to rethink the viability of your trade. The light at the end of the tunnel for musicians came with live shows. But I'm sure that I read somewhere that ticket revenues are down on previous years. There's just too much music. And when the bulk of it sounds like variations on a theme, then it's even harder to be heard. I think that all the bands just need to STFU and be put in cages to fight to the death like a cockfight. Like a Pokemon battle, but with weapons and stuff. I'd pay for a ticket to go and see that gig.

"$20 on the skinny crybaby with the sadface,
shiny hair, and tight jeans!"

Obviously, my friends who're in bands are an exception to this and I have the utmost belief, love, and respect for them. Genuinely.


3) IF YOU PAY NOTHING FOR SOMETHING THEN IT HAS NO VALUE

This is a heavy concept but bear with me. Cast your mind back to that feel when you were a kid and you had to save up to buy a CD or a video. I remember I saved up for this animated Street Fighter 2 film on VHS. I remember it well because my dad had to double-park outside Woolworths and we had a big row about it, but far moar importantly, Chun Li got her breasts out in some shower scene. I mean, they were cartoon breasts - but any port in a storm, amirite? I also saved up to buy a George Michael tape (I didn't have a lot of sex at high school). Anyways, I played both of those to death, man. I played that album Older so much that the tape warped towards the end and started playing the track on the other side.

Fast forward a decade. I know people who have gigabytes of music figuratively gathering digital-dust on external harddrives. Half of it never even gets played. The other half is skimmed through. Because you didn't have to pay for it. And because your only investment in it is the time you spent setting up the links or the torrent or whatever, it has no value to you. What do you care if the content is weak and you didn't get your moneys worth? It didn't cost you anything.

"I'm here to download everything and fuck bitches.
And I'm all out of bandwidth."


4) YOU WOULDN'T STEAL FROM A SHOP (BUT YOU TOTALLY WOULD)

What if this shop has absolutely everything you wanted, no walls, no tills, no security, and they delivered? This shop is called, 'internet' (they've got a really thorough adult section too).

That whole thing at the start of older DVDs about, 'you wouldn't steal a handbag, you wouldn't steal a car, etc' - no, you wouldn't do that, because you'd get lynched for the handbag and arrested for the car.

"How do I download a car?"

But It seems as though downloading stuff is pretty much under the radar - as long as you don't go bonkers with it. I have friends who agonise over proxies, p2p blocklists, and private trackers. But then I have other friends to whom the thought of masking their traffic doesn't even cross their mind. They just do whatever the hell they want like Fred Durst, if Fred Durst was all about downloading Family Guy and not all about being the most positive role model for strong, white males the world over.

I wonder what it's truly like to be the bad man,
to be the sad man, Behind Blue Eyes.


5) THE CONTENT DISTRIBUTORS ARE ALL HITLER Q__Q

In my adult life, I've brought 5 copies of Alien. 1 on VHS, 3 on DVD (I lost some), 1 in a boxset, and 1 special edition version in another boxset. That's about 4 too many. By the holy tears of Princess Diana, why am I paying for the same content 5 times? And that's not even the half of it. If you want to download a copy for your phone - pay up. If you want to watch it overseas, you'll need a DVD coded for that region - pay up. We're currently being force-fed Blue Ray, like a kitten getting a thermometer shoved up its bumbum, and I'm like, 'just leave it alone, it's had enough! There's no more room!'

"Grab the cat, I want to listen to that Nirvana boxset."

In a few years it'll be 3D versions. After that, it'll be something where they just copy it directly into your brain like the Matrix or something. I don't know, I'm not a scientist. I don't know any other industry that can get away with selling the exact same content over and over again, other than the entertainment industry.

How many different boxsets, special editions, rare versions, or singles collections have popular musicians released? It's just the exact same situations repackaged and bundled with a bonus track or B-Side ad infinitum. And it's my limited understanding of it that it's not even the artists themselves who're doing it - it's these shady, suited, serious business guys in the background in boardrooms and stuff who are just milking us dry, until our tuts yield only dust.

There are 100 million CDs here.
But only 50 songs.

This is why the bulk of us pirate stuff - because we're sick of paying over and over again.

And when you do buy original content, it's prohibitively expensive. £20 for a trip to the cinema? £50 for a new game for your Ecksbawks or PS3? £30+ for some superduper music boxset, with all the singles evar, a poster, a pin page, a really edgy book of the bass players poetry, and a limited edition photo (maybe in Sepia and stuff)? I got suckered into that one back in the day when I brought a Die Hard boxset with a limited edition film still. Imagine my antilols when I saw the same set around a friends house and the still was exactly the Goddamn same. It's almost like the entertainment industry was taking advantage of me! I digress, the internet offers a much more tempting price for all this content - this price is £0.


CONCLUSION:

Whichever way you look at it, piracy is wrong. It's stealing. Now I'm sure none of us are losing sleep over Chris Martin and Paltrow running out of gold for their Extreme Gold Bar Jenga tournaments with Jay Z and Beyonce, or Jay Kay running out of champane for his champane powered Lamborghini, or Prince William running out of money to keep Kate Middleton in his life - but it does effect up and coming artists and content creators.

Okay, William doesn't do anything, but
would she be with him if he worked at PC World?

But in someways it's levelled the playing field between new artists and established acts. They just have to be creative. Grassroots marketing and viral campains are so successful that it's gone full circle and even conglomerate businesses are copying this promotional strategy. Who could possibly forget this incredibly underground and authentic promotion for the PSP from a fan with absolutely no ties to Sony whatsoever absolutely whatsoever?