Thursday, 17 May 2012

LERN 2 INTERNET: 5 SAYINGS WHICH MUST NOT BE SAID NO MORE

Hello. My name is Adam and I would like to build a better internet. This is a situation which is very dear to my heart. Some people want to help a black child in Africa - with the tubby belly and with the flies in the eyes - but I believe that there's a greater battle to be fought. Give a man an internet and he will amuse himself and his winky for an hour. Give a man the means to internet and he will provide for himself and for his children's children for a thousand, thousand years.

All the children of the world united by free movies, streamed TV
shows, and terabytes of soul-blackening porn. 1 dream. 1 Nation.

Today we learn about overused phrases and sayings you'll find on your travels across this digital wonderland and the reasons they must never, ever be used again. Come, take my hand, friend. I will help you wonderful people LERN 2 INTERNET.


1) BOOM!
(BOOMTOWN!)

Example: “I JUST SAW THE MAJOR MOTION PICTURE WARHORSE WIT MY FREIND. LG POPCORN? YESS PLEASE! BOOM!!!1

Trying to apply this to a sentence to make it interesting is like trying to apply a penis to a nostril to make an orgasm. What’s most painful about seeing this used is the flaccid anecdotes it’s paired with. Managed to use your single bus ticket as a return ticket? BOOM! Paid for a medium coke but received a large one? BOOM! Phoned in sick to work? Alert BOOMTOWN! because this guy’s fucking BOOM!

BOOM! is normally paired with naming or tagging other people involved until the thread deteriorates into a complete circlejerk. Appropriately 100% of people who use this are complete and utter bastards whose own mothers block them from their News Feed and laugh about their inability to internet correctly.

“I sent my phone off to be repaired on Friday. It was
repaired and then returned the following Friday. BOOM!”



2) OM NOM NOM NOM

(omnomnomnom, Om-Nom-Nom-Nom)

Example: “great night with my womances last night. ate sooo many dicks om nom nom nom xxx

Remember when your friend posted a picture of them eating a pizza all to themselves and typed, 'omnomnomnom' in the description? Man, they were great days. We surfed the web for the first time using endless AOL 1 month trial CD’s, used MSN Messenger, and pioneered a bold new world like digital cowboys riding a 56k modem. 

10 years ago. Move the fuck on. Om Nom Nom Nom is the sound a paedophile makes makes when it phones up a nursery and blags some work experience.

"Am I good with kids? Well lets just say
I have a lot of Werther's Originals in my van."


3) #
(hashtag)

Example: “My thoughts are with our boys in Afghanistan #justice #freedom #justicefreedom

To be honest I think this is a Twitter thing and I don't use Twitter. Worry not though, despite my complete lack of knowledge I am still able to talk with absolute authority on the subject. This often rears its ugly, ugly face in self-righteous posts about charity or football results. I don't know anything about them either. Oh, and also when some celebrity dies.

Lets say for example that Zooey Deschanel (according to the old media, one of the most erotic women evar and Slacker She-Jesus) died today. That would be a tragedy of Earth shattering proportions and I'm not saying that I couldn't care less if she passed but I'm not not saying that I couldn't care less if she passed. The sheer number of #RIPZOOEY #DIEDTOOYOUNG #ZOOEYOHNOOEY #PAINFULLMEMORIES would actually crash the internet. And that would stop me trolling DeviantART and MMORPG forums. Unacceptable.




4) SET THIS AS YOUR STATUS IF "X"

Example: “In 1997 over 100% of babbys were born with breathing difficulties. Today, even with the massive leaps forwards in baby science, many of our most precious resources (babies) are born with complications. If you are a mother with a beautiful baby (boy or girl) then show your support. Set this as your status if you are a mother with a beautiful baby (boy or girl).

This pisses me off like crazy. I interviewed 100 people and asked them a simple question, "If some guy asked you to show your support for malnourished hedgehogs by changing your status, would you?". 100 people answered, "Where does this guy live so I can cut him?"

WE NEED TO DROP MOAR DEMOCRACY! CHANGE
YOUR STATUS IF YOU SUPPORT TRUTH!!!1

The most obnoxious thing about this is that we're all big boys and girls and if we felt strongly enough about a subject, we'd change our status ourselves. Instead of posting preachy rubbish, use the internet for the purpose for which it was created - pictures of breasts or kittens.



5) ANY WELL THOUGHT-OUT AND WELL STRUCTURED ARGUMENT

Example: "The Internet found Bush guilty a long time ago. Maybe back in 1997. He was judged "guilty" in internet court and ordered to pay a sum of 100 internets back to the Malaysian High Counsel. Of course, Bush appealed, and the verdict was overturned - but by then the damage was done. You can read about this shocking turn of situations at www.malaysiasun.com. Remain strong, Moon Sister."

If you spent 5 minutes of you life constructing that perfect reply to someone who disagreed with you on the internet, then you are a sillybilly. You spent about 4 minutes 30 seconds too long.

"WHY WILL NO ONE FUCKING LISTEN TO MY INSIGHTFUL
VIEWS ON FUCKING HOW TO SOLVE THE EURO CRISIS!!!>?"

When 2 parties engage in a discussion online it's only a matter of time before it descends into a hateful, spiteful, vile argument. This is called a flame war. Those sprawling paragraphs of well thought-out comments that you're trading backwards and forwards? They're called walls of text. No one cares what you think. No one cares how eloquently you put it.

Dear internet. You are all fucking assholes.

I absolutely guarantee you that the person you're arguing with is 1 of 2 things. 1) as passionate and as utterly convinced they're as right as you are, or 2) a troll milking you for those precious lols. Let it go. Do something else. I recommend pictures of breasts or kittens.


CONCLUSION:

Remember, respect on the internet is the single most important thing in the world. It doesn't matter if you have a career, a mortgage, or some £££ - as long as you have the biggest swinging dick in whatever corner of the internet you call home then you did alright, kid. You did alright.

But of course this list is far from complete. There are other annoying, overused, internet 1.0 sayings which deserve a dishonourable mention. I will now mention them:

  • .com (Example: "I went to my girlfriends house and spilt AIDS all over the floor. Embarrassed.com!"
  • Checking In (Example: "Adam was at Tesco with His Mum and 2 others."
  • Womance / Bromance (Example: "Wonderful evening planned with my bromances! We're going to watch Iron Man, cry, and count our failed relationships. <3 my bromances! :'( tear with sadface #foreveralone."
  • Cryptic Song Lyrics (Example: Girl gets dumped by guy. Girl posts ambiguous lyric, maybe from Adele if she feels :-( or maybe from Beyonce if she feels >:( . White Knight comments, "I HOPE YOUR OK, BEBE. LET ME KNO IF U NEED CHATS (NO SEX OBVIOUSLY)". Girl is foreveralone too (maybe she should hook up with the bromance dude above, hey?). No one cares. World keeps turning. Probably looks at moar pictures of breasts or kittens.
  • FML 
  • Amazeballs 
  • Baby Pictures

Look at it this way. Do you say BOOM! or omnomnomnom in real life? No, you do not.

When you walk into a restaurant, do you loudly announce, "I am here! I am here with John and David and we are here together!" like when you Check In at Nandos. No, you do not. Why do it online?

As a species we are on the brink of super fast internets for everyone! And if not everyone, at least entitled white people! I just don't think enough of us are ready yet. Some nights I wake up screaming, sweat dripping from my muscular body, as I calm my breathing and examine the nightmare that plagues me. I wrote it down in my Dream Diary:

"Somewhere, someone is checking themselves in to a benefit concert for rescue dogs. A photo is uploaded. Already I know something is horribly wrong. Dogs? On my internet! But what of the prophecy?! There are words on the picture. I can see it in my mind."