Friday, 23 December 2011


Last week I saw this film in which Ryan Gosling and the man from The American Office find out about crazy, stupid love. According to IMDb it was called Crazy, Stupid, Love.

In it, Carell is taught about one night stands and then his wife is a bitch and then there is some shopping and then there is some crazy golf and then there is a school and then he has sex with his daughter and Kevin Bacon does some stuff too. Loads of lols and high 5's are exchanged.

He's looking at you, looking at him, looking intense. 

Anyways, at the start of the film, Gosling teaches Carell how to make women putty in his dirty little paws. But at least 4 of his 5 scams to sleep with women are rape and that's not cool, man.

I have scoured the internets to bring you the 5 ways to seduce a woman consensually. Practice these skills on ugly, distant family members this Christmas and you'll be ready to seduce a woman of your very own in time for New Years Eve!


Be like Kanye West. Approach the woman with confidence. Invoke the playful glint of mystery in your eye (use glitter) and say she must be your black Kate Moss. She simply must. If a black Kate Moss does not appeal to you - you can also demand she become a white Beyonce, a black Jessica Biel, a beige Tia Carrere, a black man, or a Fire Pokemon of your choosing.

I Googled, ' kanye west stupid'. Textbook.

Sample Conversation:
(Deploy this at a bar or maybe at a bus shelter.)

You: "You can be my black Kate Moss."
Her: "No, it's ok thanks. I'm just waiting for my friends and then we're leaving."
You: "Maybe you don't hear so good..."


I read this article in a local paper once where they interviewed a local bad dude and all round dick grabber (I forget his name) but he was a hip hop man. When asked to explain what hip hop was to him he replied, "It be the way you carry yourself, the way you speak and act, the way jah eat jah chicken!"

That's keeping it really, really real. Unless you want to end up a Lonely Guy, a Jerk, or with ¡Three Amigos! - you'll keep it as real as humanly possible too.

:'( sadface with tear

Sample Conversation:
(Right up close to her ear, deep inside her personal space, like so close your breath hurts her eardrum.)

You: Do you like the movie?
You: Do you like the type of movie?
You: Do you like me?
Her: ...

It is imperative you do not wait for an answer to any question. Try this after watching a movie.


How much money do you have on you right now? I have none. I am sitting desnudo on the bed at 2am. My penis is flaccid. However, if you ask me at any time between 10am and 10pm I will usually have anywhere between £0 and £15 on me. Cash.

'What's the key for? It's the key to your heart.'

Gone are the dates when you (the man) had to pay for her (the woman). The battle of the sexes is over and we won everything. You are now both the provider.

Sample Conversation: 

You: I think you're one of the most erotic women I have seen today, a really solid 6/10. I will agree to take you anywhere if you will agree to pay half.


This young human is being sensitive (with feelings).

In my experience, a woman is soft and delicate - like a pillow made of rabbits made of glass. Care for it with feelings.

After the Golden Age of cinema in the 80's (with astonishing real-life stories such as The Running Man, Time Cop, Predator, and Ghost Busters), most every film since has been a bastard lie. They all have 3 things in common:

1) The promo poster has a white background and the title is in a black and white coloured font.
2) No explosions :( sadface.
3) Heresy and lies.

One thing all these films reek of is feelings. You must say that you have feelings. My colleagues and I find it best to say we have pets. A kitten, a puppy, a fish. Don't say you have something fucking retarded like a hamster, well unless you plan to dress it up like a kitten. Girls like dresses, amirite?

Sample Conversation:
(A crowded room. Funeral. Your eyes meet. Give her the ;-) confident winking face.)

You: Hello. I have a puppy.
Her: Oh, wow that's amazing! Does this mean you also have feelings?!
You: Yes. I have a puppy and I have a feelings. Sex?
Her: You betcha!


Do you remember that bit at the end of Titanic where Leo pushed Kate off the bit of floating wreckage to keep himself afloat while she drowned? No, me neither. He was being a kind man.

There's that old saying, "nice guys finish last." According to my research this is a fallacy. (In actuality, fat guys finish last. Mostly because they are rubbish at running and no one likes them).

That couple you see walking down the street and you're all, "WTF THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING DICK AND THAT GIRL IS TOO HAWT FOR HIM!!!1"

He is the nice guy. Know your enemy.

'If I let her go, like a snowflake, she will be gone.'

Sample Conversation: 
(Imagine an X Factor audition where the prize is the most valuable thing of all - love.)

You: Hello. I have a mum and she is dying of the AIDs. I just really need an opportunity to find happiness after this long and painful year I just really need an opportunity to find happiness.
Her: Oh, you poor thing! Come. Let me care for you.
You: <trollface>


Well, there you have it. Use the almost magical power of these tips at your own discretion. You can mix and match any of the 5 for great justice, but please for the love of God act responsibly!

  • Do it for the lols. Like last night, the mrs and I were watching that Cowboys and Aliens film. At the end of the movie the alien gets a chance to kill Daniel Craig but stops to fuck around, in true bad guy fashion. Craig then kills the alien by pouring molten gold on it. I turned round and said, "He (the alien) missed his golden opportunity." Meanwhile, Craig walks off sans comment. This is why Piece Brosnan is a better Bond.
  • Buy some nice hats. 
  • That is all.

Thursday, 15 December 2011


I saw this earlier and my childhood memories became most :( sadface.

Left= Some piece of crap Coca-Cola truck I saw outside the 711 in Toronto.
Right = Legit.