Wednesday, 12 October 2011

LIU WANG AND CASE OF THE MISSING MILLIONS


--- ( CASE CLOSED. WIN? FAIL? FIND OUT AT THE BOTTOM ) ---

LIU WANG AND CASE OF THE MISSING MILLIONS

--- ( Gollygosh, this is my lucky day! Mysterious serious business man Liu Wang has chosen me out of the dozens of people using the internet to be his serious business partner. I haven't read most of what he sent me because Liu deploys some pretty impressive walls of text. I think the gist of it, is that some dude has died and he wants to leave me $1.5 billion Taiwanese New Dollars. I thought the conversion rate of all the TND in the universe would be, like, 68p - but I needn't have been so cynical as it equates to $44.5 million USD! Fucking win! "What is to be done", he asks? Lets find out... ) ---

--- ( ! WARNING ! Liu has learnt all the English words ever and is using them all at once in a kind of literary Shock and Awe campaign. ! TL;DR ! ) ---

Hello,

Thank you very much for your mail. I am Mr. Liu Wang, bank officer with the International bank of Taipei, Taiwan. Let me give you a detailed description of what is in this transaction for us. In June 2003, My late client Muhannad Al-Hakim, an Iraqi Crude oil merchant made a numbered fixed deposit of One Billion Five hundred Million Taiwanese New Dollars ($1,500,000,000.00 Taiwanese New Dollars) for 18 calendar months, this is valued to Forty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ($44.5 Million United States Dollars) only in my branch. Upon maturity several notices were sent to him, even during the war (U.S and Iraqi war), Seven years ago (2004). Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later found out that Muhannad Al-Hakim and his family had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit his home at Mukaradeeb where his personal oil well was. After further investigation it was also discovered that Muhannad Al-Hakim did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, the Forty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration of Six years Six months the funds will revert to the ownership of the Taiwan Government if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop, we still have about two more months left for someone to come up and claim the funds as next of kin to this fund. My suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Muhannad Al-Hakim so that you will be able to receive his funds and for the money be pulled out from my bank and out from my country.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE? I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary documents
that will back you up as the next of kin to Muhannad Al-Hakim , all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your details as below:

Full Name:
Contact Address:
Occupation:

After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you. There is no risk involved at all in this matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you. Should you be interested please send me your full names and current residential address.Finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation. Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Liu

---

Liu Wang,

the words you are speaking to me are of great interest. i am a simple Christian man (see the attached photo) and i deal with business in as transparent a way as possible. i can certainly accommodate your situation, but i must see for who it is i am dealing.

before we dance the dance please attach a photo of yourself so i know there is maximum security

yours sincerely.

Adam

The hair says retarded but the smile says retarded.

--- ( tl;dr ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your reply and your interest to help me in this transaction. I appreciate your interest in my proposal and I sincerely hope that we can work together as a team of two men in a spirit of partnership in this endeavor. Given what I have in hand and the fact that I can not run it alone as I said before, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance to partner with me.I actually got your email contact from a friend of mine who works at the Chambers of Commerce here in the Taipei (Taiwan), I went to him with the zeal of locating a possible business partner overseas who will assist me in this project but note that I did not specify the nature of this business to him due to the nature of the business,that was how i got your contact.

As I told you, I have hired the services of an attorney that will procure all necessary documentations that will back you up as the next of kin to my late client. It will be stated in the documentations that you are the only surviving distant relative.

Like I said earlier, due to this issue on my hands now, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance. I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and I will want you also to assist me in investing my share of the funds in your country. I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly and it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking.

Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up. If you work seriously, the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:


"Purpose of Deposit: SAFE KEEPING" - moar like buying $44.5m worth 
of booze, sex, and Transformers toys. The value can only go up.

I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I shall advise you on the bank I want you to open an account in which has corresponding working agreements with my bank and shall have no problems with regards to the transfer of the funds to your account there. You shall also need to open a new account in your name in your country and this must not be your existing account, the two accounts must be new accounts. The funds once transferred from my bank to your offshore account, I shall advise you on how the funds can be transferred to your account in your country using the bank's online facility. This is the best way I have found, it will protect us from my bank and the monetary body. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. So I advise that you follow my instructions religiously.

Also you have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name as my bank will be aware that it is from me. This is where I need you. I will not request any up front charges from you to me over-here in Taiwan. But you will be in charge of providing the minimum account opening balance that is needed to activate the offshore account. Setting up an offshore account is not expensive as I have inside knowledge, as one who has being in the banking firm for over two decade now. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from my bank and letter of administration from the Probate registry, it will be issued in your name. This will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be transferred to your offshore account and then you can transfer the funds to your newly opened account in your country.

We can then instruct your bank after the money has been transferred to your newly opened account to transfer our various shares into our respective home bank accounts. I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right.

Kindly provide me with a copy of your identity(driver's license or international passport). I will attach my Identity card to you after I have seen yours for your perusal and trust. Our local telephone lines could be intercepted easily, so they are not safe for this transaction. For this reason I am arranging for a more secured means of communication. Meanwhile, you can reach me via this email pending when all arrangements for the confidential phone number and fax number has been completed.

Ensure that you keep this project confidential because of the nature of this transaction and my work. Please reply soonest.

My sincere regards,
Liu Wang

--- ( Maybe he doesn't read too good. FEED ME PICS! ) ---

Liu Wang,

i am now suspicious, as i have asked you for the photo of Liu Wang and none has been forthcoming. are you the man i can trust, or an enemy of free men everywhere? my mother told me about men like you. said you'd...use me.


now i ask for your troth. reply with a photo so i can have maximum assurance.

i am awaiting youre reading

Adam

--- ( He fed me pics. ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail. I have just received your e-mail and the content therein is well understood by me. I want you to know that it is imperative you bear the cost of opening the offshore account, while i take care of the cost of processing the legal document that will back you as the rightful next of kin to my late client. you have to open the offshore account with a bank that i will recommend for you. It is not advisable for us to transfer the funds to your local bank account in your country from my bank here in Taiwan.

This is where I need you. I will not request any up front charges from you to me over-here in Taiwan. But you will be in charge of providing the minimum account opening balance that is needed to activate the offshore account. Setting up an offshore account is not expensive as I have inside knowledge, as one who has being in the banking firm for over two decade now. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from my bank and letter of administration from the Probate registry, it will be issued in your name. This will make you the bonafide owner of the funds. After this, the money will be transferred to your offshore account and then you can transfer the funds to your newly opened account in your country.

I want you to know that the bank that i want to recommend for you is a bank that have good service relationship with my bank for a very long time. So it will be very easy for you to use the service of the bank to transfer the funds from my bank, because both banks have enjoy business together for a very long time.

I want you to know that i have plan everything out, so i suggest you follow my instruction and let conclude this transaction without the monetary body of my bank raising eye brown. Please see attached for certificate of deposit and my family photos. Also do send me a copy of your a copy of your identity(driver's license or international passport) for my veiw.

I need your consent so that i can send you the contact details of the bank to setup the offshore account.

I look forward to your swift response to my mail.

Liu.



---

Liu Wang,

you have proven yourself a man i can trust, and for this i thank you. one has met men online before. i dont really like to talk about it - but lets just say my heart was broken and i was quite aggressively sodomised :( sadface. but enough about one. i feel it is time for another troth, dont you?

as you have shown me your family i will now show you mine. then our business can get to second base.

see the attached photo. this is my family. well, we are friends really like Friends the show. if i was in Friends i think id most likely be Rachael. let us exchange troths


Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler,
Joey, and Ian. The whole gangs there!


1) which Friends character are you most like?
2) do you like me?

ANSWER THIS AND WE GET TO SECOND BASE AND I SEND THE PASSPORT AND DRIVING LICENSE TO YOU.

i am awaiting youre reading

Adam

--- ( How do I sent passport? ) ---

Dear Friend,

Thanks for your mail. I have just received your e-mail and the content therein is well understood by me. I want you to know that it is imperative you bear the cost of opening the offshore account, while i take care of the cost of processing the legal document that will back you as the rightful next of kin to my late client. you have to open the offshore account with a bank that i will recommend for you. It is not advisable for us to transfer the funds to your local bank account in your country from my bank here in Taiwan.

LUI. WANG. HUMAN? ALL CAPS.
--

Liu Wang,

thankee for the passport. i am going to print it and laminate it and buy internets with it because i am a cyber criminal i hope you dont mind soz. i am like Oceans 11 but i live in your modem. i think i figured out what Friends character you are - you are sooo Chandler! if you want to know for why, send me your birth certificate and at least one of your children. the birth certificate you can have back (well after i print it and laminate it and buy internets blah blah blah).

your child will stay with me.

anyways - alta la vista, baby.



--- ( CASE CLOSED )---


WIN 

Liu never did get back to me. Maybe he wore his fingers down to the knuckle tap tap tapping all of those MASSIVE FUCKING WALLS OF TEXT LERN 2 INTERNET U NOOB. If Liu Wang was paid by the word, he'd be the richest scammer in all of Nigeria. My laptop screen physically started to sag in the corners due to the volume of words Liu was filling it with. I also award Liu several +1's to his internets for taking the time with MS Paint to do that bank deposit thing. It looked very official and not at all liek a GCSE IT project. Not at all. If I were his mum I'd definitely put that pride of place on the fridge, right next to his 100 meter swimming certificate, his Love Racism - Hate Music pin badge, and his busy bollocks diploma from the university of serious business. 

Anyways, if he does send one of his kids I hope he sends the fat, happy baby because that fleece thing looks like its made of soft, cloud-like cashmere. I bet it'd make a most excellent pillow for the kitten. 


Or I could hollow it out and turn it into this!
That's what baby's are for, right?


  
SCORE: 4 / 5 HIGH 5'S

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

  • Googling H from Steps came up with a whole bunch of H from Steps dead results. Go check. My research department (Terrapins) spent days confirming or denying this fact. No one on the entire planet is entirely sure.
  • H's real name is Ian Watkins. Like the gaylord from Lost Prophets. Coincidence?!
  • That is all.



Wednesday, 5 October 2011

RISKAY: SMELL YO oIo

Internet. It is provider, entertainer, teacher, and sometimes lover. Often lover. (My other half is in a different time zone :( sadface). On my travels across the internets I have seen some amazing things. Like a clean Mad Max, I roam the wastelands looking for truth, justice, and situations. Recently I came upon a treasure.

It's a song called "Smell Yo Dick". I didn't miss the "ur" off "Your", it's actually titled "Yo" *. Black people are super-duper cool. I digress.

Follow this link for at least 1 of your 5 LOLs a day. Go ahead, I'll wait. NSFW.

"Oh hell noes! I'm an Amazon! AN EBONY QUEEN!!!1"


This abortion comes from the pen of an amazing animal called "Riskay". Pokemon Masters say that this bloated bitch is the next evolutionary state of Queen Latifah. (Fat? Check. Black? Check. Outstanding contribution to the arts? Check. Furthermore, no one has ever seen them in the same place at the same time). Riskay is the Blastoise to Queen Latifahs Squirtle. 


One of these Pokemon makes Romantic Comedies with Steve Martin.
One of them wants to smell a dick and doesn't much care for dirty foot bitches.


This song is LOL. It's so funny I can't stop watching it. I've watched it once a day for a week now. That's more then 11 times. It's not because it's good. It's not. It's fucking dross. But what fascinates me is that no one in this video (not even the 2 sasquatch looking bad dudes at about 1.40 who do the little-raise-the-roof dance) seems to be doing it for the LOLs. This is serious business for all involved. I am amaze. Like when you drive past a badger that's been run over - you don't want to look and you feel sorry for its stinky roadkill complexion - but you look anyways because it's not everyday you see such a hairy mammal prostrated to the floor with its gut hanging out.  

There's a lot going on in this video but for God's sake pay attention to the words.

(Opening)
Nigga this the fifth teeth muthafuckin time that I called and left yo ass messages
I dun text yo bitch ass and you aint responded to nothing
What the fuck is you doin who tha fuck you out there with you think I'm stupid my girls dun already put me up on yo ass tonight night nigga when you get home I got som news foe yo bitch ass

(Chorus 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Hook 1)
It's four o'clock and I'm sleepin' and it's late night and you creeping you could've told me I'm leavin' now I know you out there cheatin' why you got to do me like dat when I call you don't call me back I'm texting you now nigga where you at that's fucked up why you do me like dat

(Verse 1)
I'm dead sleep and you trickin'
In the club wit dirty foot bitches
My gurl was there she witness
She had a camera phone she took pictures
You was on the dance flo grindin'
With a stripper hoe named Diamond
You was flossin' hard you was shinning
Everything she drink you buyin' it
Fuck nigga you need to stop lien' foe I get mad and pull out my nine
You want a new bitch to fuck that's fine but don't fuck hers and try to fuck mine
You keep tellin me you ain't touch her but some keep tellin me you dun fucked her and I ain't that bitch you want to play wit nigga drop them boxers let me smell yo dick

(Chours 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick

(Unknown)
Smell my dick wait a minute hold up see that's how a bitch get her eyes swoll up and I don't give a damn what yo homegurls seen when I was in the club what the fuck you mean they ain't got no business eyein' me like dat
You ain't got no business tryin' me like dat
I wun even feelin' Diamond like dat I was wildin' but I wasn't clowin' like dat
Dat's alright dat's okay gon head believe what yo homegurl say a nigga like me drink a lot of liquor meet a lot of bitchs take a lot of pictures
I might break bread wit one or two strippers but that don't mean you got to pull my zipper

Thinking I dick down the whole town even though I got dick to go around

(Chorus 2times)
Why you coming home five in the mone
Somethings going on can I smell yo dick?
Don't play me like a fool cause dat ain't cool
So what you need to do is let me smell yo dick.


---

When these words are copy pasted directly into MS Word there's an incredible 64 spelling errors (probably more, I didn't do an exact count). The program also deleted itself straight after and my laptopotomous started to die inside. I think it wanted the pain to stop. It's also said that when these lyrics are assembled in the correct order it's like a verbal pentagram - you can summon all kinds of fail directly from the 8th Circle of Hell. If you speak these words aloud into a mirror 3 times, Riskay will appear behind you and do that waggy finger mmm mmm thing that black women do in films.

"AM I DOING IT RITE?"

She'll probably then kill you afterwards or something - I don't know I'm too scared to try. Riskay has moar not good English than some kid on his Ecksbawks.




Nigga this the fifth teeth muthafuckin time that I called and left yo ass messages
I dun text yo bitch ass and you aint responded to nothing





NIGGA DIS TEH FIFTH TEETH MOTHERFUCKIN TIEM THAT MAY CALLED + LEFT YO ASS MSGS I DUN TEXT YO BITCH ASS + YOUS AINT RESPONDD 2 NOTHIN :( SADFACE!!!1ONE






My flatmate and I have watched this train wreck religiously for days now. Not since that Cher Loyd thing, with the swaggerjaggerswaggerjagger ad infinitum, has a 4 minute piece of video played such a satisfying part in my life. Although, I watched that threesome bit with Denise Richards in Wildthings like 20 times. Fucking win. 


 This would've been a great opportunity to do that utterly fail "[sic]" thing after a deliberate editorial error but as I'm not a serious business scientist or a PHD scientist, I chose to leave it.

--- ( WT WE HAVE LERNED? ) ---

  • If you suspect someone of cheating, smell their dick to confirm or deny the validity of your suspicion. Tests are inconclusive as to whether this works if your partners a woman. 
  • Thinking I dick down the whole town even though I got dick to go around. If I ever get accused of cheating I'm using this excuse. It works at least 100% of the time.
  • Riskay is a fucking moron. Riskay is a champion of the LOLs.
  • That is all.