Wednesday, 28 September 2011

CRACKED.COM VS. ADADADAD

Cracked.com is a comedy website on the internet, which is on the internet. They have a collection of regular writers who are fantastic. Well, apart from this complete sadsack who goes by the name John Cheese (OMG DO U SEE WHAT HE DID THERE LOL). If Cheese Man was a car he’d be a carboard box with a car drawn on it in crayon by poor parents. Their kid would drive around in it all day going, “beeb beeb”, until the parents abandoned it – probably because of the shame – I don’t know, I don’t have all the facts.
                Normally the site does lists and whatnot but this fucking Cheese Man has had a false epiphany and thinks he is, like, Jesus or something. Instead of walking on water he cries himself to sleep at night and wets the bed. He keeps posting all this whiny self-help crap, which I think is aimed at women with dicks and guys with breasts. Real dweebs.

I created an account there to sort this situation out: adadadad.



Meanwhile, John Cheese has dropped his Doomsday Device by writing a really tl;dr article about marriage and then proposing to his girlfriend at the end. This is sweet. However, I have decided this is not the kind of stuff that belongs on their site. Under the pseudonym adadadad, and wearing the profile picture of Cookie Monster, I have tried to utterly fuck up and derail this touching story. I waded boldly into the comments section and began causing as much mayhem as humanly possible. This stirred up a real shitstorm and many LOL's were had.


adadadad
( This is me. )

( These are other users. Some agree with me. Some are not feeding me. Most are LOLCOWs. )

It's time to start milking those tuts for nutritious LOLs.

I started blanking the usernames of the civilians who wandered into this thread, but then I stopped because I couldn’t be bothered. All are punished. ALL ARE PUNISHED!!!1 )

Cracked.com also has a "Thumbs Up" option, similar to "Like" on Facebook. It also has a "Thumbs Down" option. The minus numbers below some of the comments are recorded. There's some big numbers including an amazing -43! ) *

---

 
-12
I THINK THIS ARTICLE NEEDS TO BEE REMOVED AND FILES IN A DIFFERNT WEBSITE. I HEAR AOL HAS A NEED FOR FAGGY LOVE ADVICE FOR CHILDREN HAHA STOP PREACHING CHEESE MAN
Reported! Your gonna get banned from crack. /sarcasm
You know, throughout the years I've been strongly opposed to child abuse in all its many insidious and life-destroying forms but, really, after reading his comments throughout this entire thread I find it plainly clear that adadadad wasn't beaten enough as a child.

---

New favorite Columnist, hands down.
the word you are looking for is worse columnist. hes zzz

--- ( This penguin man felt the same way. He is wise. Wall of text though :( sadface ) ---

 
-9
Yeah, while I try to remain as uncritical as possible most times, I'd just like to remind the author especially that this is, in fact, supposed to be a sort of funny, or funny/informative site. Then again, it's not like this is the first time I read a writing by this author and left either disgruntled or wondering what the point was.

I generally like to think that the things that I have figured out I don't need help with, and the things that I haven't figured out are just things that I haven't yet had the time to think all the way through yet. When it comes time to decide up rambling on about personal stuff, all while everyone is wondering when the monologue shifted from amusing/comical to a dull personal story that lacks what's usually most important about boring personal stories, the fact that they're usually about individuals that certain people actually want to hear about. Don't get me wrong, chances are there's a place out there for this kind of writing, but this really isn't it. Plus, really, talking about oneself doesn't take all that much skill; that's probably why those ppl called "psychologist"s get paid to do it. Now, doing so elegantly at least is worth something, but even that isn't worth much when there's no substance to the topic.whether or not I should get married, chances are I won't be coming to cracked if by some drunken happenstance I decided that someone else should tell me whether or not I'm ready to get married. Shit, maybe the best indicator in certain people's cases is that they can go more than a day without wanting to kill their significant other, who knows?

Then again, I look down at the comments just now and realize that there are actually people who are really, truly applauding this effort and to those individuals I just say...Jesus, did you people come here thinking this site is meant to host autobiographical documents? Cause honestly that's kind of what this seems like. It's a little like a stand up comedian that forgets why they're on stage and end

Then don't fucking read it. This is not a site that caters to your own personal taste. And the comments section is not a place to whine about it, either
Seems there's an epidemic of gunmen running amok forcing readers of cracked to peruse articles and make disgruntled posts at the end of them. I should know...there's one here now.
What the fuck man, do you think people come here to listen to you bitch and write essays? What a waste of fucking words.
yeah, good point well maid. this cheese man is a real snoozefest. he should keep his words to the lonely hearts section, hes a dick
You ignorant fuck, this was his long way of showing to his girlfriend how much he cares about her, and proposing marriage. But clearly you didn't read all the way through to the end, or else you would have noticed the little "Emily Clark, will you marry me" at the bottom of the article. It was a romantic gesture, and my guess is he would have posted it whether it was funny or not.

Oh, and on a side note, psychologists (which is a legitimate profession, by the way) don't talk about themselves. In fact, if any one of my psychologists or psychiatrists had talked about themselves during sessions, I would be demanding my money back, because that's not what they're there to do.
You're an idiot.
Clearly, Mr. penguin, not everybody has matched your prestigious social rank of Pretentious Ball-Buster quite yet. As many of us lack the official license to condescend to humble writers and voluntary readers, to which you are obviously entitled, I'd like to (politely) ask you to please remove the upside-down barstool you call a throne from your worthy anus and replace it with your unwanted opinions. That is all.
Ooh, he didn't like it. And here I was waiting breathlessly to see what Uberpenguin thought of something...oh no, wait, I was totally not giving a shit. 
Christ, man, shut the hell up. No one made you read it.
Mr. penguin is inntitled to the opinion. in this he is 100% correct. cheese man thinks cracked.com is his personal diary. he needs to work at msn and give relationsp advise to old ladies and pets haha, dick

--- ( Remorseful troll is remorseful. ) ---


:'( sadface featuring tear

-43
you'll be devoced withing a year. why? because you write complete fuck off.
This is an English speaking site.
Hey buddy, why don't you do the world a great big favor and blow your fucking brains out. Even baby Jesus hates you.
Okay, okay, that was in poor taste on my part and I apologize. Suicide isn't something to joke about.

---

John Cheese is my new favorite Cracked writer. He's written so many positive articles that still keep true to the spirit of Cracked's unique brand of humor.
-9
wake up grandma hes fucking boring if i wanted to read a bunch of crap from a little girl id read my sisters diary haha hes a dick
The only thing I can imagine an asshole like you doing is stealing your sister's diary and masturbating over it.

---

You makeh me cry Mr. Cheese. TT___TT Emily's a lucky woman to have someone who can be so open about what a fuckup he's been and what an improvement he's willing to make. =] You guys have a wonderful life, and if you stop writing because of some bullshit honeymoon or something, I'll punch you.
-13
get a room. maybe you should get a room with cheese if you love him so much.
Hey adadadad, has anyone ever told you that you smell like a motherfucker?

Because you do. Just sayin'.

--- ( "Hey, fuck you." / "No, fuck you!" Roughly 100% of arguments on the internet end this way. ) ---

-30
she married you after all this whining? she must be desperate. YOU ARE BORING AND ARROGANT!
Hey! Fuck you.
No, fuck you! THIS IS SHIT
And you are probably seventeen and clueless. Good luck with the whole making-it-through-life-without-becoming-a-bitter-alcoholic thing.
the joke's on you. im cool enough as it is, dont worry about me. worry about cheese. i have my eye on his dome BOOM!
Boring? Well, you're entitled to your tastes, add. Arrogant? I don't see it. Columnists are going to write from a stance of authority, because lots of "umm, maybe's" are not what people want to read.
obvious troll is obvious.
i dont w3ant to read the prepubesant views of a gaylord. oi cheese, go work at msn and give dating advise to people who wear Croc shoes haha youre a duck i mean dick
Jesus Christ you're worse than that shit I spray on your mom twice a week to make sure she doesn't get fleas or ticks.
please dont talk about my mom choiba man, she is dead. you are insencitive and a loser
God, can't you fucking read? It's "CohibaMan." It was like right there when you decided comment at me.

I never thought I'd see the day where the functionally retarded would be allowed to wander the Internet. I feel like I'm at your family reunion.
Sorry about your mom, adadadad... I know you'll tell me "don't worry, it's okay", but I know what I did.
butterfly man i dont understand

---

Great article, sir. I love the ending, and the advice is sound.
I've never been married but I came close a couple of times - both of which I had the wisdom to realize before it was too late; I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
I've seen a lot of friends of mine fall into that trap, maybe for fear of being alone, I don't proclaim to know... It's not my place to judge, but I am familiar with the wretched sting of love lost and endeavor not to rush into anything or make my decisions based out of anything but righteous personal honesty.
Congratulations, Cheese. Through faith and wisdom, we're none of us beyond redemption.
sockpuppet of cheese man. all the right people know hes an idiot

adadadad: "All the right people" appears to be... just you. That's it, just you policing this article and showing off what a motherfucking douchebag you are. Fuck off.

---

At first I thought it was a typical Cracked article, with the lists and intelligent arguments. There was no way in hell I ever expected it to turn into a wedding proposal. 

This should be featured on Yahoo News.

adadadad
THIS SHOULD BE DELETED OF THE INTERNET, IT WASTES VALUBE SPACE WHICH COULD BE USED FOR SOMETHING FUNNY OR PORN. HES A DICK

---

GREAT ending!
CRAP REST OF IT HAHA CHEESE MAN IS A DUCK
HAHA OBVIOUS TROLL ESCAPED FROM /b/ LOL

---

-28
STOP PREACHING YOU DICK. YOU ARE NOT JESUS, SHIT YOURE NOT EVEN A WISE MAN.
People with no wisdom often fail to recognize it in others.

"Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place." (Abigail Van Buren)

You, sir, are sour grapes.
-15
YOU ARE AN IDEOT. WHY DONT YOU GO AND CRY ABOUT IT? EVERYTHING "CHEESE" WRITES IS SHIT!
Yeah, it's spelled "idiot". That literally made me laugh out loud.
On a scale of one to twat, you are a dickhead.
don't feed the troll.
-5
oh get the knickers out of a twist, you idiots. all this cheese man does is preach a bunch of self help, gcse english essay crap he learned from womans mags. wake up!
Look, the art of trolling is consistency. You can't have a "youre" and misspell idiot. Granted you left out the apostrosphe, but there's no way a retarded capslock character would ever use anything but "your" or "ur". Just a heads up for next time. But have some decency. Troll on an article that IS actually shit or preachy. Just because we have no life, doesn't mean we can't have ethics about out craft...
How do you even get up in the morning when you're this retarded.
do you need a hug??
my troth is this, this article is a bunch of wingey fail from a real sillybilly. seanbaby and most others on cracked are ok with me, but this is the second stike for john cheese (john crap). 1 more strike and youre out!
Obviously obvious troll is obviously obvious. Considering his name is keyboard hammering, he clearly made his account just for this.
omg as soon as a mna talks about something you queens dont like "hes a troll hes a troll" imagine for one second that these conserns are genuine. grow up!
Admittedly, I started reading your comments in a cookie monster voice so now the crap you say is kinda funny.
@ Cohibaman...that's the funniest comment I've read in a while.
my words are carefuly chosen. i speak only the troth. this cheese man, it is time for him for go and write for a different site. i think the care bear site has a opening haha dick
Maybe adadadad is Cheese's ex-wife? That would explain a lot.
I'm not sure I'm going to believe the "troth" from someone who can't spell three words out of five correctly. 

Although CohibaMan has a point...it's awesome in a muppet voice.

---

IVE GOT VIDEO FOTAGE OF CHEESE MAN TOUCHING HIMSELF. I HAD TO USE THE MACRO LENS FOR HIS "MINI BABY BELL" AND BLEACH ON MY EYES AFTER. I SAID MINI BABY BELL BECAUSE THATS CHEESE TOO HAHA, SERIOUSLY THO HES A DICK SHHH
Get off the computer, you flaming twunt. Your mom needs to use it, she's gotta look up whether that thing growing out of her dick is fatal or just highly contagious. Either way, looks like you're not getting any tonight.
MS_ANT YOU MAKE NO SENCE. PLEASE DONT TALK ABOUT MY MUM, I DONT KNOW WHO SHE IS. IL BUST YOURE HEAD OPEN LOL CHEESE MAN
 Wait a minute. Earlier you said she was dead.
I don't mind that you are a troll but I'll never forgive you for being a motherfucking liar

---

* This was when I suggested they would soon be divorced. I'm sure they won't. Sorry <3.

ORIGINAL THREAD:



--- ( CASE CLOSED )---