Tuesday, 5 May 2015


(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)


From what I understand there are several ways to change the world, ranging from sending a strongly worded email to your local MP to detonating a nuclear device in the modern urban environment [via Call of Duty: Modern Warfare]. In the middle of these 2 extremes is casting your vote in the upcoming election. 

How would y'all rate the probability of y'all voting in the upcoming election, where 1 is 'no effing way' and 10 is 'defo because we're all in this together'?

The average iamawaitingyourereading reader is self aware enough to score between 1 and 3. This is really great news. Unfortunately, casting your vote has become synonymous with Bikram Yoga / gluten free flapjacks in that you're simply trying too hard to curate your personal brand :-[

"We must remain sceptical,
of all political parties.
The best way to solve a problem is to ignore it." - A delicate Haiku / call to arms © 2015

What would convince you to vote?
a) Legal requirement [via oppressive South American legislation]?
b) Money? (£5 for your vote. £10 bonus for signing up a friend.)
c) Battle Royale / Hunger Games style deathmatch between political parties?
d) 1 months free council tax?
e) Tangible results?
f) Marvel Vs Labour Vs Conservative crossover?
(The correct answer is b) Money. Check your answer to see how you scored.)
Should there be an age limit (40+) on voting as The Kids clearly don't understand the situation?
Is voting the illusion of choice?
Should both political parties admit that they're 'basically the same thing' and agree to disagree?

Y'all. Our opportunity to make a serious diff is now; we must march on parliament demanding £20 an hour minimum wage, free 4G mobile internets, immediate abolishment of outrageous torrent site blocks, basic human rights / multiple MP3 downloads, no schools, 3 day working week, no builders, no wind, and simultaneous releases on console and PC. We must also have our travel costs to get to London reimbursed within 30 days. 

(1 kiss.)

Tuesday, 28 April 2015


All my life I have been waiting for a Royal BB. The pregnancy allows us to become close to the the Royal Family - we're right there with them - welcomed into the inner circle [via promotional buzz]. We're transported from our flaccid existence in minimum wage cotton fields and are invited to live the life of Riley - hobnobbing with Her Majesty the Queen, eating a quails egg with a magic spoon, and demanding sex from post grads. Blessings. Blessings. 

For we are dirt,
and a royal bb is growing.
Rejoice!" - Haiku © 2015

I've collected hundreds of newspaper clippings and even though it's early days I already know that this baby is special. I'm feeling pretty sweetums about the situation :-]

This baby has a gravitational pull like a black hole but white; everything is drawn towards it. It's the biggest Old Media event since the last one and the buzz is deafening. 
We must support the Royal Family via whatever means necessary. 
We must show interest, be that doubling our taxes to raise funds for a sweet treehouse or killing ourselves to make the air cleaner. 
We must do our bit. 

Even though I've never met him I'm totes ready to die for the new king. You?
Is this rigmarole some construct of the Old Media to shift newspapers? 
I think it'd be really great if we put our heads together and brainstorm a relevant name for the baby. Here's my suggestions to get the ball rolling:
a) King / Queeny
b) The One
c) Diana 2
d) Donkey Kong Jr
e) Platinum
f) Edward / Charles / Victoria / miscellaneous traditional name.
g) Edword / Kharles / Vicky-May / miscellaneous traditional name, but modernised. 
Let me know your cleanest and most relevant suggestions and I'll email my contact at Buckingham Palace.

Really hoping someone rigs up a webcam so I can be inside the room when he's crowning B-]

Saturday, 25 April 2015


It's well known that Tom Cruise leads a solitary life. 
His evenings are filled with push ups, strange illuminate rituals, and probs keeping a diary / journal. In many ways he's the sun chasing the moon; he want's Joe public to like him but also has a deep disdain for The Common Man (9-5 hours / -£20'000 salary / +10% body fat).
I am familiar with the following Tom Cruise films:

  • Cocktail - A cool man.
  • Top Gun - Homosexual undertones / promoting America.
  • Interview With The Vampire Man - Not Brad Pitt vampire.
  • Minority Report / Oblivion / Live. Die. Repeat - Miscellaneous Sci Fi.
  • I Am A Samurai - A cool man. Sex with Asians.
  • Valkyrie - Hitler?
  • Mission Impossible - Tom Cruise. 

In many of the above ^^^ major motion pictures there are the following themes:

  • Seducing misc broads.
  • Inconsequential murder of misc extras.
  • Dedication to The Way (Sci Fi biz / mysterious biz).
  • Being cool [via expositional dialogue / not conforming with The Man).

Feeling worried about Tom Cruise. For example, I feel he'd be adverse to me calling him 'Big T', or 'T' - but he'd be totes onboard with my calling him 'Papa T'. I feel in my womb that he'd be kewl with me hanging out with him in the VIP lounge (letting him pay for everything) but would get pissypants about my being taller and passive aggressively tell me to sit on a lower chair. He'd show me how high he could do a roundhouse kick like in the middle of Tesco, knocking all the special offer Dolmio sauce to the floor, but then help the minimum wage bro clean up the mess and upload a photo to Twitter Bird [via the common touch]. Do you know what I mean?

Anyways, I recently came across some behind the scenes footage / propaganda of him doing some redonk stunts for the new Mission Impossible film. From what I understand he's hanging off a plane - similar to him hanging from the Muslim building circa 2010. Worried. As self aware content consumers living in The 1st World, can we in all honesty trust this promotional material? We're all familiar enough with green screen shenanigans that we can spot an attack ship on fire off the shoulder of Orion as easily as we can spot the ted in Ted. Is he just paying some bro to do this biz for him? In our post-Prometheus world can we really trust any promo material anymore? 
As we previously discussed, Tom Cruise cares little for Average Joe - so why should he court our opinion hmmm?

We, as tech savvy content consumers living in the 1st World, must be sceptical of all art forms - be that a Flash Mob celebrating transgender situations or a cup cake sale promoting the Gaza Strip meme.

Does Papa T do his own films or does he just pay some bro to do 'the heavy lifting' [via Kate Moss body double]?
Are flair barmen fucking bullshit [via serve the drink already]?
What's your fav <3 Papa T film?
Is Will Smith an albino Tom Cruise?
I quite liked the Day After Tomorrow / Live. Die. Repeat. (Not really a question.)

Remain self aware, y'all.

(2 kisses.)