Saturday, 20 September 2014


Hey y'all. Since his name came up a couple of posts ago I simply haven't been able to stop thinking about JC. That's right, I'm talking about Jesus Christ. There's just something about him, man. 

Sure it's easy to lol out loud at people who are into religion - and in many ways they're some of the least self aware peeps in the game - but maybe it's all down to marketing? Cultivating a religious personal brand is a 24/7 situation. Let's reflect:

  • No sex before marriage. (Maybe a bj or miscellaneous slap and tickle is allowed.)
  • Very poor media presence. (Russell Crowe is Noah. Religious connotations of March of the Penguins. Voting for a new Pope.)
  • Constant allegations / prosecutions of pedo / sexual predator stuff.
  • Flip reversed cross logo on leggings.

Might email the church with some personal branding solutions. For example, you can use the following cool symbol for JC ✝_✝_✝. This one for the Baby Jesus __ and this one for the Holy Ghost _ _ _

Which of the following bible stories would you all most like to see exploited by Hollywood? 
Adam <3 Eve. A romantic comedy where Owen Wilson is Adam and the broad from Hunger Games is Eve. The snake is voiced by
Adam & I. Serious business dramatisation told from the perspective of Eve. Scarlett Johansen is Eve and does loads of scenes in darkened rooms, silhouetting her breasts, but failing to deliver the goods :-[
Flood! A stoopid animated kids film for kids made by Dreamworks. It tells the story of the animals post-Noah's flood situation. An edgy comedian voices an animal.
I'll Have What He's Having. Romcom about Jesus' forgotten brother trying to ascend to such great heights / heaven in his bro's shadow. Robert Downy Jr plays everyone. 
Omega. Artsy circlejerk told from the perspective of God; from the 7 Day situation right through to the rapture. This film totally ignores the Big Bang and tries to generate buzz / monitise itself by issuing confrontational press releases towards the scientists.
Should I abuse Kickstarter to get this shit funded?
Is Dreamworks a poorman's Pixar, or are they both pretty meh in our post-Toy Story 3 world?

(1 kiss, 1 hug, and another kiss.)

Friday, 19 September 2014


(2 MINUTE INVESTIGATIONS is an exciting new feature where we learn more about IRL situations. Obviously, we 'can't think about this stuff because we're too busy', but equally it'd be nice to know the exact situation. How much can we learn in 2 minutes about ______?)

Y'all, it seems like the Palestine situation is sooo 2013, but there's still a bunch of bros / broads out there banging on about it. You can wear a T shirt or buy a sticker or organise a cupcake sale to co-brand with this situation. From what I understand, the Palestine Conflict is something to do with Israel and Palestine having redonk beef about some area of land between their borders. 
Might have some heavy human rights violations :-/ concerned-face.
Might have some 'serious political ramifications for the region'. 
Might have something to do with the United Nations / oil. 
I'm just not sure, y'all, but I'll see what I can find out in 2 minutes. Brb.

The Exact Situation:
Jeez Louise, his shiz seems pretty heavy. From my investigations I discovered that (maybe?) Israel and Palestine are 'basically the same thing' but they really hate one another. According to this map Jerusalem is also hotly contested (because of Jesus Christ (JC Our Lord and Saviour))).

Unfortunately there's been negative vibes there since 1948 with load of atrocities. 
Loads of peeps blown up, but also property damage :-[
I'm thinking that Gaza has something to do with this situation because it's highlighted on the map. Maybe this has something to do with the popular Gaza Strip meme? Maybe it's that 'strip' of land between the 2 regions? 
Fortunately, America will 'eventually sort it all out' via passive aggressive emails / trade sanctions :-] happyface

You all, the world seems pretty intense :-[ sadface.
Not sure if I condone or condemn the Palestine / Israel conflict. 
Not sure who I support tbh. I've met some Palestinians, and they seem pretty legit, but maybe the Israelis are also the same. Maybe we should just put all our weapons down and spend more time 'just chilling hard on the internet'. Anyways, it feels like we easily know enough now to hold our own with someone who's really into politics.
Might go to university or organise a flash mob.

Might buy an Amazonian Kindle.

Are you passionate about politics or is that mostly for keenOs?
Should we all just learn to get along or should we continue to murder one another because of _____?
Would you fire a rocket propelled grenade / noob tube at your bro because he was born on the wrong side of the tracks, or would you make an anonymous noise complaint to the police and hope that they shut his situation down hmmm?

"I am dreaming,

a dream where everyone is holding hands.
Across the circumference of the planet. 
Apart from the oceans & Poland, obviously." - A delicate Haiku


(3 kisses.)

Thursday, 18 September 2014


How've y'all been? Missed y'all. 

As the circle of life spins we lose the heat of the summer sun and return back to our bedrooms / mobile devices. It's time to turn our eyes inwards and violently reject the outside world.
It's getting cold out there, man.
Windy, too. 

Over the next couple of months I propose the following situations to blog about. Some are classic iamawaitingyourereading. Others are new.

In this feature I really want to learn more about this amazing world that we live in. Unfortunately, as self aware content consumers living in the modern urban environment, we spend so much time OTI that it's easy to 'feel sort of whatevs about geography and other cultures' IRL. I'd like to learn more about serious world situations - like the Gaza Strip situation, the African Flu Pandemic situation, and what glass is.

It's time to get real and knuckle down, man. No more sillybuggers. That's right, I'm talking about our ongoing understanding of The Galactic Economic Downturn. Over the last few months things have got redonk totes cray cray in the Eurozone. How many rallys have you been to? I've been to loads. (I haven't been to any.) 

Some of the worlds poorest people don't live in Mozambique, Sudan, miscelaneous brown country, or Central Poland - they live right here among us :-[ sadface. I'm talking about Internet Poverty, y'all. 
People who don't know how to circumvent torrent site blocks.
People unsure about where to harvest their free MP3s. 
People out there who still pay for digital content. 
'Jesus Christ' lets make a #change. 

Want to get vulnerable with you all for this section :-/ serious face. 
This year I'll be 32. I look around at my situation / the situation of my bros and say, "What the eff does it all mean?" In this feature I propose we investigate our feelings about growing older. We can have a circlejerk and discuss our emotions in a mature and safe environment. There'll be no judgement but there will judgement obviously. 

Obviously, 1STWP returns for another season. Often the dramas we face as technologically savvy content consumers living our lives in the 1st World can seem insurmountable. If your £4 coffee is too hot or your Fair Trade OJ is too cold, worry not, we've got it covered. (y) thumbs_up_symbol.

In order to become even more self aware we'll continue to look at this amazing world that we live in and our place in it. Are you 'Big Chief Swinging Dick' or 'Just Another Bro' who works in some call centre / miscellaneous minimum wage job? What have you done with your life? 
Sometimes it feels like you're trying to organise a binbag full of cats. 
Sometimes it feels like you're trying to create an opportunity to 'cum'. 
It's just life, y'all. 

What was the highlight of your summer?
What was the lowlight of your summer?
How would you rate 2014 out of 10, where 1 is 'A flaccid penis' and 10 is '1 million pounds'? Or is it just too early to say, hmmm?

(2 kisses.)