Sunday, 26 June 2016

THE SORT OF STEVIE NICKS HAT PERSONAL BRAND

From what I understand the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is going to be huge this summer, with ASOS selling them by the pallet-load and even miscellaneous crappy high street chains like River Island trying to monetise the situation. So what does this mean for us as self-aware members of the 1st World? Let's reflect:

There's something utterly timeless about Fleetwood Macs and specifically Stevie Nicks. Their MP3s teach us that it's okay to effing be yourself; be that refusing to comb your hair, being chill with extramarital affairs, or simply living in a swamp [via American Horror Story: Coven]. This foundation creates a really sustainable platform to sell products to broads aged 25 - 35 or to bros who can play the guitar okay. The wonderful thing about the Sort of Stevie Nicks Hat personal branding solution is that you can double down on looking mysterious. So many people are going to think that you keep a diary and that you maybe had a poem published back in the day; or at the very least you've thought about lava lamps at some point or another. 





The thing is that we're all put here for a reason and there's no reason why you can't look redonk sweetums while doing so. 
Sometimes you just need to wander through the modern urban environment sorting through the complex emotions in your head. 
Sometimes you just want to binge watch Netflix


Q&A
Will you be co-branding your situation with this situation?
Is felt made from an animal? Mole?
In a drum off between Mick Fleetwood and the bro from My Red Hot Chilli Pepper who would be the most whatevs?
Is the Flatcap Hat personal branding solution sooo 2014?
The great thing about hats is that you can only wear 1 at a time. You can wear like 3 jackets and 10+ bracelets at once, but you really have to commit to a hat. (Not really a question.)

In this post I've been exploring my relationship with fashion as a self-aware member of the 1st World.

xxx
(3 kisses.)


Tuesday, 5 May 2015

30_SOMETHING: VOTING

(30_SOMETHING is an emotional new feature where we examine our situation as self aware adults IRL.)

-----


From what I understand there are several ways to change the world, ranging from sending a strongly worded email to your local MP to detonating a nuclear device in the modern urban environment [via Call of Duty: Modern Warfare]. In the middle of these 2 extremes is casting your vote in the upcoming election. 


How would y'all rate the probability of y'all voting in the upcoming election, where 1 is 'no effing way' and 10 is 'defo because we're all in this together'?

The average iamawaitingyourereading reader is self aware enough to score between 1 and 3. This is really great news. Unfortunately, casting your vote has become synonymous with Bikram Yoga / gluten free flapjacks in that you're simply trying too hard to curate your personal brand :-[

"We must remain sceptical,
of all political parties.
The best way to solve a problem is to ignore it." - A delicate Haiku / call to arms © 2015





Q&A
What would convince you to vote?
a) Legal requirement [via oppressive South American legislation]?
b) Money? (£5 for your vote. £10 bonus for signing up a friend.)
c) Battle Royale / Hunger Games style deathmatch between political parties?
d) 1 months free council tax?
e) Tangible results?
f) Marvel Vs Labour Vs Conservative crossover?
(The correct answer is b) Money. Check your answer to see how you scored.)
Should there be an age limit (40+) on voting as The Kids clearly don't understand the situation?
Is voting the illusion of choice?
Should both political parties admit that they're 'basically the same thing' and agree to disagree?

Y'all. Our opportunity to make a serious diff is now; we must march on parliament demanding £20 an hour minimum wage, free 4G mobile internets, immediate abolishment of outrageous torrent site blocks, basic human rights / multiple MP3 downloads, no schools, 3 day working week, no builders, no wind, and simultaneous releases on console and PC. We must also have our travel costs to get to London reimbursed within 30 days. 

x
(1 kiss.)


Tuesday, 28 April 2015

A NEW ROYAL BABY. REJOICE!

All my life I have been waiting for a Royal BB. The pregnancy allows us to become close to the the Royal Family - we're right there with them - welcomed into the inner circle [via promotional buzz]. We're transported from our flaccid existence in minimum wage cotton fields and are invited to live the life of Riley - hobnobbing with Her Majesty the Queen, eating a quails egg with a magic spoon, and demanding sex from post grads. Blessings. Blessings. 

"Rejoice!
For we are dirt,
and a royal bb is growing.
Rejoice!" - Haiku © 2015

I've collected hundreds of newspaper clippings and even though it's early days I already know that this baby is special. I'm feeling pretty sweetums about the situation :-]

This baby has a gravitational pull like a black hole but white; everything is drawn towards it. It's the biggest Old Media event since the last one and the buzz is deafening. 
We must support the Royal Family via whatever means necessary. 
We must show interest, be that doubling our taxes to raise funds for a sweet treehouse or killing ourselves to make the air cleaner. 
We must do our bit. 






Q&A
Even though I've never met him I'm totes ready to die for the new king. You?
Is this rigmarole some construct of the Old Media to shift newspapers? 
I think it'd be really great if we put our heads together and brainstorm a relevant name for the baby. Here's my suggestions to get the ball rolling:
a) King / Queeny
b) The One
c) Diana 2
d) Donkey Kong Jr
e) Platinum
f) Edward / Charles / Victoria / miscellaneous traditional name.
g) Edword / Kharles / Vicky-May / miscellaneous traditional name, but modernised. 
Let me know your cleanest and most relevant suggestions and I'll email my contact at Buckingham Palace.

Really hoping someone rigs up a webcam so I can be inside the room when he's crowning B-]
<3